you've got on your brown shoes.....

Let me go ahead and state for the record that I realize I can be a horrible person. I sometimes find humor in things that other people may not. Television networks have created shows like "Reno 911" and "The Office" for people just like me. So if you want to tell me what a terrible person I am after you read this, just understand that I'm way ahead of you - I already know.
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I decided to go out to the west side of town for lunch yesterday. I needed to run by Stein Mart on White Bridge Road and check out some prices on clothes.

Before going to Stein Mart, I stopped in at Wendy's for some food. I usually just go through the drive-thru, but today I decided I wanted a baked potato. Since it's difficult to eat a baked potato in the car, I chose to eat inside.

It was 11:15 and there were about 8 other people in front of me in line. After waiting for maybe 90 seconds, I noticed an older lady come in the side door and she's talking up a storm with a guy who's on his way out the door. I figured they knew each other, so I didn't think anything about it.

Then the lady gets in line behind me, but only for about 15 seconds. I notice that she starts to move just to the side of me in line. There's a little girl who looks to be about 4 years old standing in line with her grandparents just ahead of me. The older lady, now beside me in line, taps the little girl on the shoulder. The little girl turns around, gets this scared look on her face and starts clinging to her grandmother's leg. The older lady says, "Oh, honey, just look at me. I just want to tell you that I love you!" The grandparents get this nervous look on their faces and keep saying "She's just shy" over and over. My first thought was, "Poor old lady. She's probably very lonely and was just thrilled to see this cute little girl. She probably just wanted some attention."

Another couple of minutes pass. I feel a tap on my shoulder. I knew it was the older lady. I figured she was going to tell me about the little girl, how cute she was and how she would have loved to talk to her a little more. So I turn. The older lady points at my shoes and starts singing to me -

"You've got on your brown shoes, and I've got on my brown shoes, and we'll go a-walking....."

Not only is she singing, she starts moving her arms, almost in a running moting, and she begins to dance. And the look in her eyes is if she's inviting me to join her. Of course, I decline the offer.

By this time I'm rethinking my previous speculations about this lady. I'm thinking, "Houston, we have a nut" and "Oh, (insert your favorite word here), what have I just stepped into here??????"

I give her a smile, the kind of smile you give someone who you're trying to be nice to without alluding to any kind of obligation on my part for further interaction. I wasn't rude, just non-committal. The smile doesn't work.

"Have you ever heard of Jimmie Rodgers?" I nodded and said that I had. At this point, I was willing to say that I'm best friends with both Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise to speed this conversation along. She began telling me about a time when her brother brought home their first Victrola and how she loved to sit and listen to Jimmie Rodgers records over and over again. How she loved to hear Jimmie Rodgers yodel. Then there was more singing, complete with hand gestures. It had something to do with a train, because I distinctly remember hearing something about about a conductor attempting to collect a fare from a passenger. I'm smiling politely.

Then it happened. The one thing I've never had anyone direct towards me. Not in private, and certainly not in public.

She's evidently finished the first verse, the bridge and the chorus. How do I know this? Because she starts yodeling. Yep, she yodels.

"Yo-dah-lay-he-ho, ah-lay-he-ho, ah-lay-heeeeee..."

So I'm standing there being seranaded by a yodeling older lady in the middle of Wendy's at about 11:20 AM, praying that one of the cashiers will soon rescue me and say "Can I take your order please?"

Finally the cashier calls me over and I move over in mid-yodel. She's still going. I don't think she even realizes I'm gone yet. But I can still hear her. With my luck, I'm thinking to myself, she'll come over and do a show at my table while I'm eating. Should have gotten chicken nuggets to go. I order the potato, strawberry yogurt and a Diet Coke.

I sit down and immediately start eating my potato very fast. So fast that it's burning the inside of my mouth and tongue with each forkful. But I don't care, because I wanted to make sure I didn't have to continue with the concert.

Then I start thinking about what just happened and I have this uncontrollable urge to start laughing. I tell myself that I can't do that; that just wouldn't be right. With every bite, I can feel the laugh building up inside me. I've got to get out of here before I burst from holding in this laugh, I think to myself. I finish up my potato, drink the last sip of Diet Coke, then dump the contents on my tray and leave.

As soon as I get to the parking lot, I realized that in my haste to leave I've thrown away my yogurt. I consider it the price I had to pay in order to prevent another encounter with the yodeler.....