Friday, December 21, 2007

merry christmas from the ofit.....

Decided at lunch yesterday to leave for Christmas vacation a day early. I'm glad I did. Looking forward to a lot of things. Get caught up on some sleep. Spend some time with family. Relax.

Think I'll take a little break from blogging for a few days. Maybe the next week or so will provide me with some new stories.

I hope you and those you love have a great Christmas and wonderful New Year.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

favorite ad of the year.....

A very good friend of mine does almost all of the graphic design work for our office. I asked him to create an ad for a Christmas program we help sponsor. He sent me five different options, but when I saw this one I knew it was the one.....

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

i said, get on this bike with your grandaddy.....

MWTW-TV (Auburn, ME) - 11/8/07

In November, a 77-year-old man in Jacksonville, Fla., intending to help his daughter by riding his bicycle to Long Branch Elementary School to pick up her 4-year-old son (his grandson), arrived back home with a kid on the bike but did not realize that he had picked up the wrong boy. Said the picked-up kid's frantic mother, "(The two boys) don't even look alike."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

so it's not just the bride who does this.....

My lovely bride likes for me to share my food with her when we dine out. Whenever we go out to eat, the following statement is almost always made: "Ooo, I know! You get that and I'll get this and we'll share!" We even got into an argument about it once on the way to a Kenny Loggins concert. Over time I've gotten used to this request from her.

But I do think this is a problem for men in general. When we get something to eat, we want to eat it, and we want to eat all of it. We don't want to share. You want to eat what I ordered? Then you should order some, too. I'm not keeping you from ordering it. You want a backup policy in case you don't like what you ordered? Don't order it. It's that simple.

I did discover that my lovely bride isn't the only female who does this. Our office staff is going out for our Christmas lunch today to the Cheesecake Factory in Green Hills. Yesterday one of the ladies in the office said, "Ooo, I know! We should all order different kinds of cheesecake and we can all share!" Another lady chimed in with "Oh, great idea! That sounds like fun!"

Fun? How can having someone who's not family taking food off your plate be fun?

I've warned them that anyone who puts a fork near my white chocolate macadamia nut carmel cheesecake could be injured. Might be the first office lunch that a workman's comp claim gets filed.....

Monday, December 17, 2007

and there you have it.....

Ever have a "light bulb" kind of moment? You know, the kind of moment when a light bulb goes off in your head and you realize something, profound or not? I had one of those Thursday night while Christmas shopping with the bride.

The bride and I finally got the opportunity to do a little shopping on our own the other night. She had it mapped out, where we were going, what we were looking for, all that. The bride knows how I like to shop - we're in, we're out, we're done, bada-bing, bada-boom. That's the way it's done. Especially during the Christmas season with all the crowds.

So the bride decides that she needs to go into one of these shops where most dads feel really uncomfortable. I like to think I can handle just about anything, but there are certain articles of girls' clothing that dads want absolutely zero input on the purchases. Once we hit that juncture of the shopping excursion, I went to find a place to sit in the mall.

I didn't stay too long on the first couch. The second place, where the bride suggested I not go in because it was one of those places where I might embarrass her by saying stuff like, "Oh, wow, you'd look hot in that!" or, "Say, you mind trying that one on?" (I won't mention the name of the store because it's a "secret"), was more towards the middle of the mall. There were several leather-like couches and chairs. I found a comfortable chair, right beside the desk where kids signed up to see Santa. To my left, I heard a couple of older men debate the Mitchell Report from earlier in the day. They went from that to NASCAR to Pacman Jones and then back to baseball.

And then it hit me - I'm one conversation like that away from being an old man. Because that's what old men do in the mall. They sit outside the stores while their wife shops and they talk to other old men about anything and everything.

In an effort to recapture my youth, I got up, charged into the store where the bride was shopping, grabbed the skimpiest, most degrading outfit I could find and once I made eye contact with her said, "Hey, sweet thang, I done found me what I want for Christmas!"
OK, that last thing? I didn't really do that, but that would have been funny.....

Friday, December 14, 2007

and the winner is.....

And now, the winners of the 11th Annual Wacky Warning Label Contest:

Grand Prize: A label on a small tractor that warns: "Danger! Avoid Death."

Second place: An iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."

Third place: A baby stroller featuring a small pouch for storage that warns: "Do not put child in bag."

Honorable Mention: A letter opener that says,"Caution: Safety goggles recommended."

Thursday, December 13, 2007

careful what you say.....

Times-Tribune - 10/16/07

In October a police officer in Scranton, Pa., charged Dawn Herb with disorderly conduct after he passed her home and heard her, through an open window, cussing her toilet, which at the time was overflowing and leaking into the kitchen. Herb, and the American Civil Liberties Union, were incredulous.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

a new milestone in our household.....

The first thing I do when I get the Sunday paper (after telling PigDog to move and get out my way 17 times) is I pull the Target ad, the Williamson A.M., and the front page out for the bride to look through. I then read the sports section and comment that there's not enough UT football news in the paper today. Then I pull all the ads and start looking for deals. Not that I'm going to buy anything, I just like to say things like, "Wow, if we needed an electric potato peeler, I'd buy this one and we'd save 75%!"

A couple of weeks ago Toys R Us inserted their annual toy catalog into the Sunday Tennessean. When I saw it I set it aside for Sara. She came down a little later and laid on the couch in the den. I took the catalog to her. When she came in for breakfast, I asked her if she found anything that she wanted from Toys R Us for Christmas. She said, "No, not really. It's just toys in there." Buh-bye childhood, hello teenager.

There is one shred of childhood left this year. The girls have each asked for a doll. A "bla-bla doll". To me they're nothing more than a glorified sock monkey. But the bride says they're sweet. Mmmm-kay.

Guess Santa won't need any help putting toys together this year.....

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

just stop it.....

I like receiving Christmas cards, both at home and at work. It's nice to know that someone took the time to include me in their mailing list, whether the address is handwritten or they simply slapped on an address label.
But I do have a problem with some of the cards I've been receiving at the office. It's the cards that have glitter, and lots of it, on them. I can't get rid of it. I open up the envelope and out sprays about 3 1/2 pounds of glitter. And I can't get it off my desk. Just when I think it's all gone it reappears. Or, even worse, I'll look in the mirror during the day and realize that the glitter has somehow attached itself to my face. I look like a middle school girl on her way to her first dance.

Send me Christmas cards, I love them. But skip the glitter. Especially if you're a guy who owns his own business. Pick out a glitterless card next year, dude.....

Monday, December 10, 2007

so now i'm a snob.....

I've never considered myself as a snob of any kind. I can almost always get along with anyone or in any situation. Except if the person's a jerk, then it's not being snobbish but rather keen discernment on my part (nod-nod, wink-wink, say no more).
I talked with a friend of mine at church last weekend and told her that we'd bought a plasma TV but hadn't had the chance to set it up yet. She said, "You know, I never thought I'd like a piece of technology like I do that one. I've gotten to where if a show's not broadcast in HD, I'm really disappointed." I laughed when she said this, but now I understand.

The colors are clearer. Like they always say, it's almost like you're watching it live. I watched a football game Saturday evening in which I had no interest. Just because. But the two channels we're most impressed with (after the ESPNs) are the Food Network and HGTV. Yeah, we're nerds.

I wonder how good "Blazing Saddles" would look in HD.....

Friday, December 07, 2007

that would be one big litter box.....

San Francisco Chronicle - 11/12/07

In October, Patty Cooper, 50, accused her landlord (the Central Vermont Community Land Trust) of failing to "accommodate" her disability under the federal Americans with Disabilities Act when it barred her "service horse" from living in her apartment. Cooper uses a wheelchair because of a brittle-bones disorder and says the miniature horse (100 pounds, 32 inches tall) not only pulls the chair but cheers her up. A trust spokesman said keeping rats out of the hay bales would be difficult enough, but he doubted Cooper's assurance that the horse could be easily housebroken.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

most ridiculous baby product.....


This is a set of fake hands that lays against your newborn to trick her into thinking that it's you. It's almost too creepy for words. And wrong. So very wrong. Even the description is creepy: "Leave a hand with your child!" We'd like to see the studies of these poor babies 10 years from now who found out their loving parents were really disembodied mummy hands…

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

it takes years of training to be this indifferent.....

Yeah. I see you. Standing in line. MY line. Which was EMPTY until you had to go stand in it and mess it all up.

Huh? Yeah, I know nobody's at my window. But I'm not going to ask if you need any help. If I do that, you may approach me. And I don't want that.

Excuse me? Why don't I have my "Next Window" sign up if I'm not going to help anyone? That's just how I roll.

What's that? Why am I just standing here looking at you instead of inviting you over to make a purchase? Because I'm going to lunch in 30 minutes and if I offer to assist you, you might make me late.

You just want to buy Christmas stamps? Three books? I've seen your type before. First you say you want to buy three books of stamps. But then you'll ask me how much it would cost to send a 3 pound box to Jersey. Where does it all end? I can't take that chance.

I'm sorry? You're on your lunch break and you don't have time to waste standing in line when I seem perfectly capable to help you? Then I suggest you get out of my line and stop wasting your time.

Don't make me get my supervisor. Because then you'd have two people ignoring you at once. And trust me, you can't handle that, punk.....

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

come on, comcast.....

Last Thursday night I started painting the bonus room. We've got furniture that will be delievered this Saturday, and I've got a new plasma television just sitting in its box waiting for the room to be painted, so I figured I'd better get started. (At about 12:30 early Saturday morning, I think the paint fumes were getting to me. I could have sworn the plasma television was talking to me, mocking me, saying things like, "Dude, the SEC Championship game is tomorrow afternoon and I'm still in a box????? Be a man! Get me out of this box and let's hang high-def style!" After a quick shake of the head I was OK.) You may recall that I despise painting. I would rather take a beating than paint. But there was a carrot on the end of the stick, so I perservered.

I have a strict policy about the music I listen to between Thanksgiving and Christmas - it can only be Christmas music. A friend gave me a couple of CDs to listen to last week. She asked if I'd listened to them yet and I told her about my Christmas music policy. She looked at me as if I had just told her I was from Jupiter.

So as I began to paint the bonus room I turned the television (stupid analog, antiquated, square, non-plasma thing) on and went to the music section of channels. Channel 401 was "Sounds of the Season", so I landed there. The first song was "O Holy Night" by the Temptations. The lead singer evidently had a 7-octave range and mosied between octaves 6 and 7 during the whole song. My right eardrum burst during the final chorus. Robert Goulet was next. I can't hear or see Robert Goulet now without thinking of Will Ferrell. Then it was Doris Day. But the one that got me was when they played Carol Channing. Carol Channing? Really?

I love to hear the old Christmas songs and those who sang them. Bing Crosby. Dean Martin. Perry Como. But Carol Channing? (At least it wasn't Celine Dion. I swear, I'd rather hear an elephant strain during a bowel movement than to listen to her.)

Considering that my Comcast bill every month is closing in on what I pay for my mortgage, I'm expecting a little better than Carol Channing sings "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".....

Monday, December 03, 2007

almost sweet.....

You can ask the bride. With the exception of about 3 very brief occasions, I was calm throughout most of Saturday's game. When it was over, it was obvious that LSU had done enough to win.

At first I put all the blame on Ainge. But that's not altogether accurate. Sure, his interceptions came at really bad times, especially the one returned for the eventual winning touchdown. But there were two missed field goals. If those had been made, the final drive could have had us setting up for a field goal instead of having to go for the endzone. And except for the opening drive, we didn't run the ball all that effectively. You lose your balance when you have to put the ball in the air most of the time. Hats off to the defense. They rattled some fillings with some of their hits during the game. The young and inexperienced secondary has done a lot of growing up over the course of the season.

So the Sugar Bowl goes to Georgia, and LSU's in the title game. And we play Wisconsin in the Outback Bowl. Just four more weeks.....