Friday, September 29, 2006

you must not have heard me right.....

Thanks to Chris for the following classified ad. Guys, we've all been there.....

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington , UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the **** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.

Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

Thursday, September 28, 2006

seriously, get this sweater off me.....

I can't take credit for this post. I found it several months ago and couldn't quit laughing. All I've done to it is cleaned it up since I try to keep this blog "family friendly". Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.....

Seriously, Get This Sweater Off Me

I mean it, I feel ridiculous. Get it off.

Lady, just because your boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down, doesn’t mean you should pretend that I’m a real baby in hopes that he’ll play along in your twisted game of “house”. I promise you’re scaring him off, and it makes you look insane. Think about it, you dress me like a Gap employee and tote me around like a fashion accessory. It’s disgusting, and you need to get your act together.

While I’m on the record, there are some other things I could do without, you psycho. Don’t even get me started on my name. Louis Vuitton? Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? I’m already wearing the gayest sweater since the "Cosby Show", but you insist on naming me after an expensive line of European handbags. You make me look like a complete wimp and I hate you for it. For real, the next time you try to gel my hair, I will tear a hole in your windpipe. I swear I will.

Not that you’d ever notice, but you continue to place me in dangerous situations. Just yesterday at the dog park, I could feel the cold hard stare from a Doberman through my Kenneth Cole double-breasted pea coat. Heck, even the French poodle called me a sissy, and he was wearing a beret.

It ticks me off that you don’t pull this stuff on the cat (although it’s probably because she plays for the other team, and we both know what I mean). I am really tired of the smug looks I get from that stupid feline. Just once I’d like to see you put an ascot around her neck and let her feel what this is like. Then she’ll realize it’s not funny, and I’m in real pain here. At the very least you could throw a flannel shirt on that cat and even it up here, you owe it to me. I promise I will end all nine of her lives if I ever get a chance to chase her without these miniature Steve Madden patent leather urban utility boots strapped on my paws. Not that I’d get far; even without the shoes I still have to battle these Italian micro suede chinos.

Listen lady, I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (Yes, there’s a lot of time for that while you watch E!, thumb through your copy of People magazine, stopping occasionally to read the text message on your jewel-encrusted Sidekick). I have decided that I’m running away. I’m going to take my chances on the outside. Tomorrow morning, during doggy yoga, I am so gone, baby – and there is nothing you can do to stop me. The last thing you’ll see is my puckered little rear end as I’m out the door, but not before I leave a hot, soft and juicy gift right on my miniature doggy yoga mat – and I’ve got a half a pound of espresso beans and 3 bran muffins for breakfast to make sure it’s a good one.

Your former friend,

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

brace yourself, effie.....

Just before last week's Ryder Cup, an Irish newspaper ran a crude cartoon of Tiger Woods' wife on the front page and tried to play it off as satire. Yeah, satire is front-page stuff. Bury all the second-rate stuff like wars, famines and missing babies back on page 14. Nobody buys a paper to read all that crap anyway.

So why would a newspaper do something like that? Is it because they're jealous of the US golfers' wives and because the European golfers wives look more like the bus driver from Mrs. Doubtfire than models? I don't know, I'm just asking here.

Speaking of Mrs. Doubtfire, I have a friend who is friends with a PGA tour professional. He said that Colin Montgomerie's nickname on tour is "Mrs. Doubtfire". Notice the resemblance?

Speaking of Mrs. Doubtfire (again), I read yesterday that there's going to be a Mrs. Doubtfire 2. They start shooting early next year.....

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

but, your honor, it was bottom of the 8th with runners on the corners.....

Inland Valley Daily Bulletin - 8/16/06

Judge Paul E. Zellerbach was admonished by California's judicial agency in August for behavior in October 2004, when he left a jury deliberating a murder charge in order to attend an Angels-Red Sox playoff game and declined to leave the game when notified that the jury had reached a verdict (forcing everyone to return the next day).

Monday, September 25, 2006

titans to move to the canadian football league.....

At a press conference late Sunday evening, Tennessee Titans Coach Jeff Fisher surprised the media when he announced the team's plans to leave the NFL and join the Canadian Football League in 2007. Here's a portion of the transcript:

ESPN the Magazine: Coach, I thought only teams from Canada could play in the CFL?

Fisher: Well, as you know, the NFL is looking at expansion into Mexico. The CFL is also looking into expanding past its borders. After our first pre-season game, we met with CFL officials and were told that after seeing how our team performed we were just the kind of team they needed in their league. And I gotta' tell you, it's nice to feel wanted.

The Tennessean: Jeff, do you think that this will hurt attendance? I mean, alot of people come to LP Field for the rivalries with the other NFL teams.

Fisher: That's a fair question. But let's face it, we stopped being anyone's rival a couple of years ago. We've become like the college teams who get invited by the powerhouses to play for homecoming games. Other NFL teams automatically pencil in a win when they see us on their schedule. And because of that, we can't keep up with the demand of so many teams wanting us to play them.

Also, I think rivalries are overrated. I believe you'll find that the CFL teams and their players are much nicer, much more civil. Our fans won't want to hate them. They're just too darn nice to be disliked. So I think that will give LP Field a much more relaxed feel. And I don't know about you, but any time I can go somewhere relaxing I'll go there in a heartbeat.

ESPN News: Coach, did you consider any other options before committing to the CFL?

Fisher: I'm glad you asked that question. Yes, we actually did. We thought about joining the USFL.

ESPN News: But Coach, the USFL has been defunct for several years.

Fisher: If you'll allow me to explain, I will. We're not idiots, we know the USFL went under years ago. But there's always a chance it will come back. I mean, com'on, Donald Trump has even more money than Bud Adams, he could bring it back if he wanted to. Plus, some of the coaches felt that we would lose far less games sitting idle than if we were to actually play the games on our schedule.

We also considered moving to NCAA Division I. We talked with the Big 12 and the PAC 10. However, when I learned that there were no successful programs whose coach sported a mustache, we decided against this option. We really wanted to play in the SEC because of our location, but they said they didn't need another Vanderbilt or Kentucky.

Fox Sports: Coach Fisher, do you think the different rules for the CFL will be difficult for your team to adjust to?

Fisher: No, our guys are well trained, professional athletes. And I believe the rules will actually be to our advantage. For example, you only get three downs to make a first down in the CFL as opposed to four in the NFL, right? Our best player now is our punter, Craig Hentrich. We feel that if we can get our best player in the game, say, 4-5 more times per game, we're in much better shape. Also, I don't know how many times this year I've seen our running backs, quarterbacks and receivers come this close to breaking a run only to be forced out of bounds. The CFL field is almost 12 yards wider, and we feel that this has huge upside for our team. I can't tell you how excited Vince Young was when he learned that he would be able to stretch the field and be chased more as defenses string out our plays for a loss or minimal gain.

Sports Illustrated: Jeff, do you think you'll lose any players because of this move?

Fisher: The players have all been made aware of our decision. I won't lie to you, some feel that this is a bad move. In fact, this is the real reason Billy Volek left. But most of these guys just want to play football, they don't care where they play. Plus, they're under contract, so what are they gonna' do, quit? And, let's face it, any of our really good players are outta' here the first chance they get anyway, so this shouldn't really impact us all that much.

More on this story as it develops.....

Friday, September 22, 2006

obviously, this young man is a potential alabama recruit.....

Bloomington Herald-Times - 8/15/06

Kaleb E. Spangler, 21, was badly hurt by fireworks in August when, according to his girlfriend, he decided to duct-tape a large "mortar-style" explosive onto a football helmet, put it on and light it, while riding with friends in a car. According to a story in the Herald-Times of Bloomington, Ind., alcohol was involved in Spangler's decision.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

people in massachusetts know how to party.....

Boston Herald-Daily News, 6/7/06

In an attempt to raise environmental awareness, two concerned citizens of Walpole, Mass., hosted a "pump-out party" in June, with wine and cheese, to encourage neighbors to keep their septic systems in good order. The hosts allowed their own tank to be publicly cleaned as a demonstration, although the drinking and eating portion of the party came to a halt at that point, according to the Daily News Transcript of suburban Boston.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

did that come outta' you?

After reading Sista Smiff’s post on the Gassy Barrel, I remembered an equally funny story from my past. (By the way, the Sista is married to the bass player from The Grascals.)

It was about 10 years ago. The company I was working for was trying to get another company to do business with us. So I went with three other people (2 my bosses, 1 a fellow VP) on a trip to do a presentation and attempt to woo this company. On the way down, we stopped for lunch. I don’t remember where we ate, but I do remember the by-product of the meal for the senior person in our group. It was gas.

We go into the office building, take a ride on the elevator, and walk down the hall to the gentleman’s office. Actually, we went into his executive assistant’s office. We introduced ourselves and told the lady we had an appointment to see Mr. So-and-So. We were greeted warmly and she took us down the hall to a waiting area.

After the executive assistant left, we began to go over the key points we wanted to bring up in the presentation. The senior person in our group was sitting with her legs crossed and she had a leather portfolio placed on her lap. She held a pen in her right hand and would point with the pen as she talked. At one point in the conversation she dropped her pen. She leaned over to pick up her pen, and a something came from her nether-regions that sounded like she’d just sat on a whoopee cushion. A big whoopee cushion. One that had been blown up well past its normal air capacity. I expected to be pelted with shards of glass from the 3 windows overlooking the parking lot, because I thought the impact from the blast seemed to be enough to shatter them to pieces.

Now when guys do this, even in group settings that involve members of the opposite sex, we laugh about it. Maybe we’re a little embarrassed as first, but eventually another guy starts laughing and he gets everyone else to laugh about it. Because let’s face it, farts are funny to everyone, I don’t care who you are. But here’s where it got strange.

The three of us in the room who hadn’t just blown a gasket were sitting there completely astonished. I think our jaws actually dropped to our chests. The offender looks at us, sees our reaction and goes “Oopsy!” and smiles. She didn’t try to cough and cover it up. She didn’t try to move her chair to replicate the noise. She laid claim to it.

It wasn’t 10 seconds later that the executive assistant reappeared to escort us down the hall to our appointment. We got up and my immediate boss and I stayed back to let the ladies in the group go in first. When the two ladies had cleared the room, I put my arm on my boss’s shoulder and whispered, “Did ‘Harriett’ just ____ on us?” Fighting back a smile he said, “Shut up right now. I swear, if you even make eye contact with me during this meeting I’m going to lose it. Don’t you DARE try to make me laugh.”

We somehow got through the meeting without any other odd occurrences. After the meeting we got back in the car and started our 2-hour trip back to our office in Nashville. It was pretty quiet for the first 10-15 minutes. Then I decided to see if I could get my immediate boss to laugh. I said, “’Bob’, are we going to stop for supper before we get back? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I could use another good meal.” He looked back at me in the rear view mirror, his eyes shooting flaming darts at me. “No, I think we need to get on back to the office.”

We often recalled this story. I think I told it to everyone in the office over the next week. Even when someone had heard about it, they would come to me in groups and ask for me to tell it again. I think we ended up calling it “the shot heard ‘round the world” or something like that…..

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

yeah, try that again, junior.....

Herald-Times (Bloomington), 8/12/06

Electrician Paul Trotman, 51, was arrested in Clay County, Fla., in August after allegedly rigging an electrical device to shock a 3 1/2-year-old boy who lived with Trotman and his wife, after Trotman got fed up that the boy was constantly urinating on electrical outlets just to see sparks fly.

Monday, September 18, 2006

this one hurt.....

I don't like to see UT lose. At all. But I especially hate to see them lose to Florida. Call me a Gator-Hater.

Before the game started, I really believed we'd win. By at least 10. Going into halftime I felt pretty good. We didn't look perfect, but we were up. We scored and went up 10 and I felt even better. But we just couldn't run the ball to save our lives, and that's what cost us the game. That and the fact that we kept giving up big plays to their receivers.

Oh, and here's a note to any SEC official who might happen to read this - I suggest putting skirts on all the quarterbacks in the conference. The "blow to the head" that took 6 points off the board for UT? The only thing I can figure is that J.T. Mapu actually blew air from his mouth into the face of Chris Leak. Borderline call at best.

Going into the season I figured we'd go 8-4 or 7-5, with an outside chance of 9-3 if we played well. Now I'm hoping we win 7. Florida's not that good of a team. Yes, they won, I'll give them that, but they didn't look like a top 10 team. We just blew chance after chance.

And I'm sure Coach Fulmer would agree with me today when I say that even though Spurrier's no longer there, you have to put the ball into the endzone. You still can't beat Florida with field goals.....

Thursday, September 14, 2006

ain't too old.....yet.....

I was able to get together with Chris for dinner last night. We dropped Landon off at the South/DB freshman football game then headed to Saucearitas for some food. Following a very good meal we picked up Landon, then went back to their house to change clothes for at Tri Cities Baptist Church's new gym.

The bride had predicted that I'd have a heat attack if I played full court basketball with people less than half my age. (I knew I should have never told her about my life insurance benefits.) We played for a little over an hour and I didn't drop dead. Got a little winded, but I didn't die. I feel OK now, but I may not be able to move 8 hours from now.

My stat line didn't look that hot - I think I was like 1 for 8 or 9. But you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, right? (There once was a time in my when, if left unguarded, I could knock down shots around the perimeter all day long. Now I have to be left alone AND have everyone leave the gym for me to make anything during a game.) I dished off mostly, and that was alright with me. These guys do this all the time, they've got a better chance of making it than I do.

All in all I had a very good time. I found that I can still play full court basketball and still remain alive. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go to Walgreens for some Icy Hot.....

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

who says you can't go home.....

The CEO conference that comes around this time of year moves to different parts of the state each year. This year it's in my home town of Kingsport. My small home town, population 45,000, now has a very nice Marriott convention center. My room overlooks the clubhouse and most of the front 9 of the golf course. Nice view.

The drive up was good, no delays. Plenty of rain from the office to just past Lebanon, then light rain through to Crossville. From there on out, just cloudy. Knoxville traffic was minimal, thank goodness. After checking in, I spent some time in Johnson City before having dinner with Mom and Dad. Nothing like being out of town yet still getting a home cooked meal. The meal was very good, but the homemade chocolate pie was the best. I haven't had any in a long time. And it was still a little warm. Eaten with a large glass of cold milk, perfection. Those 5 pounds I've lost over the past 2 weeks? Got a feeling I'll find them up here.

After dinner I drove back to the hotel and acted like an 11-year-old. No, I didn't jump up and down on the bed. I set up a screen name on AOL instant messenger and chatted on-line with Sara and Meg. That was a first for me. I'm not as good at it as they are. I'm too anal retentive; I have a hard time not capitalizing words, using punctuation, etc.

Chris and I are going to be able to get together for dinner Thursday night. After dinner, we're going with Landon to a local church gym to play pick-up basketball. I may not be able to move Friday morning.

I'm looking forward to the meetings this week. This is supposed to be the best attendance for this conference in over 20 years. But I like being back up here in East Tennessee the most. I don't know that I could live here full-time, but I love to visit. The scenery is beautiful. And there's something about coming back to your home town.....

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

dude, i'll trade you bill dance for roland martin.....

This post is for my lovely bride and anyone else who thinks that fantasy football is silly.....

Not only has professional fishing grown so spectacularly that last year's leading money winner earned $547,000, but popular "fantasy fishing" leagues, resembling fantasy baseball and football, employ elaborate statistical breakdowns of fishing tournaments to help players pick winners, according to a July Wall Street Journal report. "Average weight per fish (caught) over careers," "margin of victory (in pounds)," and other data points are plotted by players, along with weather reports, depth and temperature of tournament lakes, and intangibles such as "home-lake curse." The organization FLW Outdoors estimates 40,000 fantasy players, many of whom have never actually fished.

Monday, September 11, 2006

too close for me.....

George Allen, former coach for the Washington Redskins, was famous for saying that he never lost a game, he just ran out of time. Luckily for the Vols, Air Force ran out of time Saturday night at Shields-Watkins Field.

The game wasn't on free-TV, so I listened to it on the radio while watching the Ohio State/Texas game. I was OK until the last 5 or 6 minutes of the game. Then the panic set in, along with a little yelling. OK, a little yelling may be understating things just a bit. If not for Xavier Mitchell's big tackle on Air Force's 2-point conversion, the Vols could have been 1-1. When Ainge took his final run backwards, which allowed the clock to run out, I was pretty worked up. So worked up, in fact, that I had to go on a run to settle down afterwards. I haven't had a chance to see the game yet, so I don't know if the defense looked as bad as it sounded. Or if Air Force's offense looked as good as it sounded. The replay is tonight at 6:00 on Comcast Sports South. I may just watch the Phillip Fulmer show instead. Don't know if I can relive the whole game or not.

Not only was the game a nail-biter for the fans, but now Fulmer will be doing a little nail-biting of his own for the rest of the season. Justin Harrell and Inky Johnson are both out for the season. Not alot of depth in the secondary, so the Johnson injury hurts the most. I wish both young men a swift recovery.

On a completely separate note, 5 years ago today I was getting ready to leave for a meeting out of town. The same meeting I'm attending this week. About 45 minutes into the trip, I got a call from Mom. Dad was going to the same meeting, and Mom had received a call from his office that the conference had been cancelled. Seems that alot of things got cancelled that day, that week. The conference would be rescheduled. Unfortunately the innocent people who lost their lives that day couldn't reschedule things. I still can't watch footage from 9/11 without having all sorts of anger well up inside me. Don't know that I'll ever be able to.....

Friday, September 08, 2006

sir, step out of the, that's ok, stay in the car.....

While driving around at lunch yesterday I listened to The Herd with Colin Cowherd on ESPN radio. Colin asked for his listeners to e-mail him with a description of their favorite NFL team in only four words. My feeble attempt at this for the Titans, injected with a bit of humor, was this:

"Not in-Vince-able, too Young".

See? I got Vince Young in there! Clever, huh?

There were several others, but the best was this one for the Detroit Lions:

Segrams 7, Lions 0.

Why is this funny? Go here for the full story.

Frankly, I think the press is being too hard on this coach. Heck, I've heard my brother-in-law, Dale, say the Lions' assistant coach is the kind of guy who would give you the shirt off his back.....

Thursday, September 07, 2006

hard to tell sometimes.....

Maybe it's just this way around our house. Maybe this doesn't happen anywhere else in the universe. Maybe it's this way because I'm outnumbered 3 to 1 gender-wise.

Sometimes it's hard to tell, say, at about 5:45 AM, whether or not an intruder has broken into our house and is torturing someone OR if there's simply a spider in someone's room.....

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Distance is 9243 kilometers or 5744 miles or 4991 nautical miles.....

This was the headline on the page that generated when I checked the distance from Nashville to Istanbul, Turkey. No, the OFIT isn't thinking about moving. But I have a friend who moved there recently.
About a month ago, I got an e-mail from my friend Annette. She said she was moving to Istanbul to be a high school math teacher in a private school. A couple of years ago (might have been longer, I'm not sure), Annette's son and his family moved there to do some work. So this wasn't a random move. Of course, over time most of us figure out that nothing in life is really random at all.

I received an e-mail update from Annette earlier this week. She seems to be settling down and into a routine. She's enjoyed her in-service schedule and meeting with the other teachers. Classes start this week, and as she says, nothing can spoil school more than kids. She said that was a common saying among teachers with 20+ years of experience. I was amused by the fact that a small jar of Skippy peanut butter costs almost $7 there in a local store; I think we bought a 6-pound "vat" of Peter Pan at Sam's a couple of weeks ago for less than that. (Uh, we like peanut butter at our house.)

To me, the amazing thing about this whole story is the fact that Annette came out of retirement for this new tour of duty. She's been retired from the Metro Nashville school system for (Annette, if I get this number wrong, please forgive me) about 20 years now. And she knows she's where she's supposed to be.

Note to Annette's students - she may try to act mean, but she's really a softie; don't let the red hair fool you.....

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

yes, tennessee, there is a santa claus.....

.....and his name is David Cutcliffe.

What a difference a year and an offensive coordinator makes! Even the bride commented about how well the play calling was mixed with run and pass plays. Erik Ainge seemed to be the quarterback every Vol fan hoped he'd be. The receivers actually ran their routes, blocked effectively and caught passes. Robert Meachem was phenomenal despite being sick and having to throw up between offensive series. The line blocked. And the running backs ran hard.

But as good as the offense was, it was really the defense that won the game. Sure, Cal scored 18 points in the second half, but they did it against our second-and third-teamers. The defensive line looked very good. The secondary provided tight coverage all game long. The linebackers were unbelievable, flying all over the field and making plays. In fact, wherever the ball went, there was a group of orange shirts.

The 12th man was effective in Saturday night's game as well. Over 106,000 were on hand to provide more noise than the Cal football team has ever known. That sea of orange on my television screen looked so good.

On my way in from the parking lot this morning, a friend of mine who's a Georgia fan said, "Yeah, I hope your Vols get really cocky right before the Georgia game." I think that could have happened last year after a win like this one. But not this year. It's a different team, different coaching staff, different attitude.

One game down, 11 more to go. Well, 12 if you count the SEC Championship.....

Friday, September 01, 2006

i hope the fat man comes through for us this year.....

And I ain't talking about Phillip Fulmer.

Some of you may remember our Christmas card from last year:

The girls asked Santa to bring the Vols more wins in 2006. We actually sent a card to Coach Fulmer. He sent us back an autographed picture.

Cal comes into Neyland Stadium tomorrow at #9 in the country. This is the biggest early-season test the Vols have had in years. Coming off the team's worst season since 1988, this game is big. It's not really "make-or-break" territory, but it's pretty doggone close. The optimist in me says UT wins 23-17. I don't won't to talk about the pessimistic side of me.

I guess I'm hoping for an early Christmas present tomorrow.....