Wednesday, April 30, 2008

just thinking ahead, that's all.....

Camwest News Service - 3/24/08

In three incidents in March and April, robbers were arrested in the act after police were tipped off in advance. The source of the tip each time was a store employee who had been brazenly notified by the perp to expect a robbery soon. Daniel Glen, 40, was arrested in Windsor, Ontario, having called ahead to make sure there was enough money in the convenience store's cash register.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

even i thought this was a little much.....

I know I'm getting older. I've got a daughter who's graduating from high school this year. People who have children that are about to go to college aren't that young any more. (Except for my lovely bride and any other women who might happen to be reading this. {cheesy grin}) I get it. But I got an email the other day that was pushing things just a bit.

For some reason I get all kinds of junk mail in my Juno account. I originally got the account for my ebay transactions, but over time it's become my most used account. Offers for blue pills, specials from Bath and Body Works, diet information. I usually see the subject line and delete them. But last Friday morning I saw the following subject line:


You can ask the bride - no one has EVER accused me of being mature. Turns out that's not the kind of 'mature' they were talking about. I'm 43 and I'm getting an invitation to hook up with someone my grandmother's age.

Curious as ever, I clicked on the button. It looked like an ad for an active retirement community. Even if I were 20-30 years older, I still don't think I would have seen anything that would have made me click past the first page.

If that's an avenue for older people to get together, good for them. But I do think they should put at least a few attractive people on the opening page of the site. Think about it - car dealers only show you the best looking cars in their advertisements. Maybe this "e-harmony-for-seniors" place will eventually learn from that.....

Monday, April 28, 2008

prom night 2008.....

I remember getting ready for my senior prom. I think it took about 15 minutes. I worked until about 3:00 that afternoon, came home, showered, put on my tuxedo, then went to pick up my date. Now it's a two-day event - at least it is for girls.

Centennial's prom was this past Saturday night at The Factory in Franklin. Parents were invited to attend the senior presentation at the beginning of the prom. It was great seeing so many of the kids that we've known for years being presented. Earlier that day, a sign was placed in our yard that made the bride a bit teary. You'll see it below.

Next big event, graduation.....

Friday, April 25, 2008

how to properly clean a toilet.....

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet - the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


The Dog

Thursday, April 24, 2008

if it's not too much trouble.....

Peterborough This Week - 3/17/08

Donald Baker, 51, was re-arrested in March in Peterborough, Ontario, when he called the police department to request a wake-up call for his court appearance the next morning; amazed at his audacity, police ran a records check and found an additional arrest warrant on him.

well above average.....

The average length of marriage in the United States, according to one figure from the National Center for Health Statistics, is about 7 1/2 years. 20 years ago today, the bride and I were married at Judson Baptist Church in Nashville. She's the most patient, sweet, beautiful woman I've ever met. Especially the patient part.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes on marriage:

Rocky Balboa - "I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps."

Billy Graham - When asked his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he said, "Ruth and I are happily incompatible."

Frank Burns - "I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage - no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets."

So for all the ugly and disgusting things my lovely bride has had to put up with over these past 20 years, there have been many more good things we've been able to share. We've laughed alot, cried alot, and we've spent plenty of time in between the laughing and crying where we're just comfortable with each other. To me that's life, and a good one at that.

Happy Anniversary, babe!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

no thanks, i'm not hugry. i've got gas.....

New York Post - 3/20/08

A patient reporting for an appointment with dentist Norman Rubin in Smithtown, N.Y., in March told the New York Post that Rubin was in the otherwise-empty office, passed out, drooling, with a gas mask on his face. (Rubin later told the Post, in defense, that it was, after all, his lunch hour.)

Monday, April 21, 2008

this is a first.....

You've heard the adage "If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody around does it make a sound", right? I have an updated version - "If a team appears on a schedule, do they actually exist?"

Our rec league softball team has had an odd season so far. We've have three rain-outs, a schedule malfunction, and a team that no-showed us twice. On Saturday all the girls were there, we took the field and started our warm ups. At 1:00, there was still no one for us to play. Assuming it was another scheduling screw-up, I told the girls we'd just have an intra-squad scrimmage until the other team arrived. 10 minutes later our league commissioner came and told me the team we were scheduled to play.....wait for it.....does not exist. They don't exist. Just to make sure you've got it, they don't exist. The commissioner for this other league apparently thought they would have a team in this age division, but the team was never assembled. Yet somehow this non-existent team had 15 games scheduled for themselves.

On a bright note, our rec league team is undefeated - 3 no-show forfeits and an actual win.....

Friday, April 18, 2008

what my nose and driveway expansion joints have in common.....

There are areas in my yard where I have difficulty growing grass. Yet I see in the grass growing freely in the expansion joints of our driveway.

The top of my head grows less and less hair every year. Yet I have to use a trimmer twice a week to tame the hair that grows in my nose.

Now you know what my nose and driveway expansion joints have in common. Hope this helps you sleep better.....

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

personality quiz.....

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals passing by:

King Kong, an ape, an orangutan and a Monkey. They have a competition to see who is the fastest to climb & get the banana.

Who do you think will win? Trust me, your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30 seconds.

Got your answer?

Scroll down to see the analysis.


Listed below are the answers along with your personality, based on your answer:

Orangutan = dull/stupid

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid

Why????? A coconut tree doesn't grow bananas! Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You need to take some time off and relax.....

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

the things you do for love.....

Next Wednesday is a big day in the life of our family. On the 23rd, the bride and I will have been married for 20 years. That's a little over 7,300 days. Of bliss, I tell ya'. Yesterday, the bride (in her own loving way), gave me an early anniversary present. A gag gift, if you will.

Sara's FMS softball team had a game at 4:00 on Monday. I don't think the temperature got out of the mid-40's all day, and there were hit and miss showers. Right before leaving the office, I called the bride to see how cold it felt outside. Why not check I could have done that, but I needed someone with firsthand exposure to the elements since I'd not been outside the building all day. If it was cold enough, I was going to have her bring my nice, warm wool overcoat. But she said it wasn't bad outside at all. Thinking back, I believe she suppressed a giggle when she said it. Because we froze. Icicles on the nose kind of froze. True, she froze, too. But I still think she laughed as her teeth chattered. And it was a satisfied, vengeful kind of laugh, the kind of laugh you can only have towards someone you've known and loved for over 21 years.

I'm such a lucky man.....

Monday, April 14, 2008

henceforth, the john shall be called the brad.....

Boulder Daily Camera - 1/25/08

Working its way through multimillion-dollar proposals for naming rights on campus buildings in exchange for donations, the University of Colorado decided in January to accept the offer of venture capitalist Brad Feld, who made a $25,000 donation to the school in exchange for having a second-floor men's room named for him in a campus technology building.

Friday, April 11, 2008

can you hear me now.....

Daily Mail/London - 2/12/08

In South Devon, England, Ms. Lee Amor, 23, pleaded guilty to calling or texting her jilting ex-boyfriend more than 10,000 times over a 65-day period.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

note to self.....

Three fart jokes to a person scheduled for a colonoscopy is OK. Number 4 and beyond is overkill....

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

great endings.....

Great endings last night to a great season and great college careers. In a word, it was great. Congratulations to the Lady Vols!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

evidence tampering.....

Times-Standard (Eureka, CA) 3/18/08

Krystal Evans, 26, and Denise McClure, 24, rifled through packages on a DHL delivery truck in December in Crescent City, Calif., looking for their urine samples headed for the lab because they were certain theirs would test positive, which would have meant their return to jail. The driver summoned police, and the women were arrested for destroying evidence and violating their probation and in March were convicted and could face two years in prison. Evans' original sample turned out to be clean, after all, but during the December arrest, she tested positive for methamphetamine.

Monday, April 07, 2008

i had gas and i felt great.....

I had to have a little oral surgery on Friday. Nothing major. The doctor simply cut a slit in the roof of my mouth, harvested some tissue, then transplanted it into my erroding gumline. Fun stuff.

My plan was to work for a couple of hours, have the surgery done, then return to the office and work the rest of the day. I did 3 of the 4. When I got back to the office I decided to grab my notebook and work from home that afternoon. Good call by me. Hard to concentrate when you're on hydrocodone. Good stuff, good times. Still got 10 pills left after the weekend. I've had good luck on ebay lately. Hmmmmm.

The doctor used nitrous oxide along with a local. I came close to dozing off at one point. He was cuttin' and cleanin' and stitchin', and I was out of it. It's the most relaxed I've been in a long time. The assistant said, "You almost fell asleep, didn't you?" I told her that for all I knew they took pictures of me with farm animals, I was that far gone. I asked for a tank of the stuff to take home with me, but she laughed and said said she couldn't.

I have a friend who once dated a dental hygenist. He said they used to sneak into the dentist's office and "sample" he nitrous oxide. That explains alot about Jeff.....

Friday, April 04, 2008

getting closer every day.....

That old fart thing? Apparently it's not too far off.

I had a lunch meeting with 5 other people yesterday so I drove the bride's van to work. I don't drive the van that often, so the controls feel a little different. While driving home yesterday afternoon, I signaled to change lanes. About 3 minutes later I looked down at the dash and saw a flashing green light. I'd been driving with my signal light on.

I'm looking into buying long-term care supplemental insurance.....

Thursday, April 03, 2008

yay, girls.....

We're on the go alot around our house these days. Meg's trying to finish up the yearbook at school and has spent many hours after school working on the project. Sara's playing both middle school and rec league softball this year so she's got something softball related every day for the next four weeks. I keep telling them that this will build character, but I don't think they believe me.

Here are a couple of pictures I haven't shared yet:

Sara playing 2nd in her first game with FMS

This is a painting Meg did for me for Christmas

Sorry to play the part of a bragging parent, but that's just how I roll.....

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

secret stuff.....

A friend of mine took her elderly mother-in-law to the doctor last week. On the way back home, Gladys asked Donna to stop by an ATM so she could get some money.

They didn't see a drive-up ATM anywhere nearby, so Donna found a walk-up unit. Gladys didn't feel like getting out of the car, so she asked Donna if she minded getting the cash out for her. Before Donna got out of the car, the following conversation took place:

Gladys - "OK, I'm going to tell you my secret number, but you can't tell anyone, OK? If someone were to get ahold of this number, they could wipe my checking account out."

Donna - "I understand. What is it?"

Gladys - (in a hushed tone, after looking over her shoulder) "OK, here it is. One. long pause) Two. (another long pause) Three. (an even longer pause) Four. Can you remember that?"

Donna - "Yes, ma'am, I think I've got it."

Donna laughed all the way to the ATM.....

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

beware the train nerds of ebay.....

I'm getting out of the model railroad business. Over the past couple of years, I've run out of space in the bonus room. I thought about moving my layout to the garage and working on it there. But since the PigDog inhabits that space and we're not the best of friends, I decided to just try and sell everything.
I started disassembling my layout last week. Little by little I removed the buildings, then the trees, then the lights. I spent Saturday afternoon cataloging all the stuff and putting it into different lots. I came up with 18 lots, then narrowed that down to 12 different lots. I got all 12 of them posted to sell on ebay late Saturday afternoon. An hour later I starting seeing some bidding activity.

Later that night I received an email from a potential buyer who wanted to buy several lots together, but he wanted me to cut him a deal on shipping since I could combine everything into one box. I emailed him back and told him to let me know what he was interested in and that I'd work with him on the shipping.

I didn't check my email again until after church and softball practice Sunday afternoon, probably around 4:00. I noticed that I had 4 more emails from this person. They were scathing. To summarize them all, he was upset that I wasn't sitting in front of my computer responding to his emails as soon as he sent them. He said that people like me who ignored customers gave ebay a bad name. To make things worse, he was even more upset because someone else had bought a couple of the lots while he tried to save a couple of bucks on shipping. I apologized for the delay in getting back to him and suggested that he look at my 100% ebay rating for customer satisfaction before he suggested that I die a slow and painful death for not allowing him to save $2 on shipping. I wanted to suggest that I actually lived a very full life away from the computer screen, but I decided that might be a bit rude.

A similar person wanted to combine shipping on 4 of the lots. I responded to him what the shipping cost would be, and he chastized me for charging too much. He quoted me what he felt the rate should be. I assumed because my shipping rates were too high that he wasn't interested, so I didn't respond.

The thing I like about ebay is that I can put an item up for sale and let the bidding begin. I don't have to be awake to sell things. I don't have to sit in a store and wait for people to walk up and buy what I selling. This is the first time I've ever experienced comments like this from buyers. Hey, if you don't want to pay the price, don't buy my stuff. Obviously someone else didn't mind paying.

The last time I had to deal with anything like this from model railroad hobbyists was back in 1986. It was just after Christmas and Michael's had all their N scale stuff 50% off. As I stood there with 4 other people, one lady suggested that I not reach for a certain item unless I wanted to "draw back a nub." I decided to keep my right hand and let her save the $4.99.

After dealing with train nerds like these, I'm sort of glad I'm getting out of the hobby.....