Wednesday, December 31, 2008

that's just how we roll.....

Yeah, big plans for tonight. Here's an itinerary for our fun-filled New Year's Eve:

5:00 - Decide on which fine restaurant we'll eat at tonight: Ci Ci's or Pancho's

6:30 - Come home and watch a movie

6:55, 7:20, 7:45, 8:05 and 8:20 - Pause movie for pee breaks

8:45 - Talk about how long it takes us to watch a movie because of all the pee breaks

9:00 - Discuss how tired we are, how we used to go out to eat and go to see a movie on New Year's Eve, and how we don't know if we'll make it until midnight

9:15 - Watch the bride slowly fall asleep on the couch while she claims she isn't falling asleep

9:30 - Pull the blanket up on the bride, there's no need fighting it any more

9:45 - Create a spreadsheet in Excel to calculate how long it will take for me to lose the lard in my hind-quarters and gut in 2009

10:00 - Eat some junk food and add another week onto my weight loss calendar

10:50 - Gently nudge the bride to let her know that the east coast celebration is about to happen. Use ice if necessary.

11:00 - Watch that motorcycle guy try to land on that thing at the Paris in Las Vegas.

11:30 - Still waiting for the motorcycle guy to jump

11:45 - Just jump already

11:55 - Wake the bride up again to watch the delayed broadcast from New York City

12:00 - Pretend the bride's awake and give her a kiss that makes her look forward to 2009. Watch her fall back asleep as soon as my lips leave her lips.

12:15 - Wake up the bride and tell her it's time to go to bed

January 1, 2009

7:00 - Lay in bed staring at the ceiling because I can't sleep past 7:00 any more, even if I was up late the night before.....

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

an ofit by any other name.....

Most people have some sort of nickname, whether they know it or not. Years ago my nickname on a church softball team was Mo. Now I've got a new one.

My sister taught her 16-month-old that my name is thpt. Yep, thpt. Having a hard time pronouncing that name? Just stick your tongue out between your lips and blow. There.

I feel so honored.....

Monday, December 29, 2008

the bride's gag gift this year.....

I got the bride a gag gift this year. And it worked. It made her gag.

See for yourself.....

Monday, December 22, 2008

now i'm a believer.....

OK, I'll admit it. I was among the crowd of folks who said the Titans would lose to the Steelers yesterday. But they proved me wrong and I'm glad of it.

The defense put the game of their shoulders and took care of business. Smash and Dash both had touchdown runs, with Johnson's on a critical 4th-and-inches situation. Collins made the throws he needed to make.

After last week's Houston loss, I told the bride that the Titans may not win another game this year. That team couldn't go to the Super Bowl. Yesterday's Titans, however, might just win it all.....

Saturday, December 20, 2008

henpeck friday.....

The bride and I had lunch at Henpeck Market Friday. Henpeck is a great little place that's part country store/part restaurant/part gift shop. The food is out-of-this-world good. I would highly recommend the bacon bleu cheese burger. The meat & 3's are also very good.

If you live in the Nashville area, it's well worth the drive.....

Friday, December 19, 2008

even ducks are moving from middle tennessee.....

Remember the extreme drought conditions in Middle Tennessee? Fuhgeddaboudit. Seems that we've gotten rain every day for the past week. Earthworms are drowning.

They're doing construction work at the bride's school, and all of the teachers have to park in a small field next to the school. Her van looks like she's been 4-wheeling. Mud on the doors and windows. We've had it washed twice in the past week. Doesn't do too much good.

I'm ready for these few days of dry weather heading our way, even it it does mean a few nights in the teens.....

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

close call.....

You're at work. You bend over to pick up a box. You hear a rip. You reach back to assess the damage with your hand. You feel fabric, not flesh. You feel relief. You sigh.

You realize your wife was right - it's time to throw out these old boxers.....

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

list of stuff i need to do.....

So this is my last day of work until the 29th. I started to write something about an article entitled "see a woman try to pull a bus with her hair", but I thought better of it.

Here's some things I plan on doing over the next 12 days:

* Eat whatever I want. I think it's very important that I join everyone else in America as they commit to lose weight and eat more healthy food beginning January 2. But I've got to overeat in order to truly understand what eating sensibly means. You know, sort of like you can't know good unless you know bad?

* Love on my girls. Meg's home, Susie and Sara will be out of school Friday morning, so we'll all be home together.

* Eat some more. I feel that pancakes are in order. And bacon.

* Sleep. I used to hate naps. But now I know how important they are for ones well-being.

* Finish Christmas shopping. This drives the bride crazy when she thinks I'm finished shopping but then go out and buy something else. So there's that bonus. Or maybe I'm actually finished but I'm just saying I need to finish. Either way, I win. And after all, isn't winning what the holidays are all about?

* Read. I used to hate reading, too. But I've got a few books at home I'd like to read.

* Recharge the ol' blogging creativity batteries. I've been scrambling for topics lately, so I need to step away from blogging for a few days. I'll post some over the next couple of weeks, but not every day.

Merry Christmas.....

Monday, December 15, 2008

looking for a cliff.....

We moved Meg out of her apartment Saturday morning. First semester is over, and she's glad of it.

The bride said that after we had some lunch, she wanted to stop by the mall in Murfreesboro to pick something up. No problem, I thought. We'll go there and we'll come back home. Oh, how stupid I was to believe that.

I've always considered myself unusual for a member of the male species in that I like shopping. I've learned over time, however, that my definition of shopping is different from a female's definition. I like to shop this way: go to the store, find what I'm looking for, maybe look somewhere else to make sure I'm getting the best price, buy the item, come back home. Simple. But the bride and other females shop this way: go to the store/mall/shopping center, think about buying something, debate on it some more, consider how cute this would look with that, drive to another store/mall/shopping center, ponder on several other items, drive to another store/mall/shopping center, come back home and browse the Internet for more things, then think about ordering online.

We went to Stones River Mall and did some shopping. Well, they did shopping while I sat in a chair near men old enough to be my great-grandfather. They finished there and declared that we needed to go to Target. It's just across the street. But it took 15 minutes to get there. After Target and a couple of other stores, we went to The Avenues. I will jump off a cliff before I go to The Avenues again on a Saturday during the Christmas shopping season. I promise. What could be so compelling that you would want to inch your way through the parking lot, find a space, only to spend your time in stores that have such narrow aisles that you can't walk without getting stabbed by a clothes rack?

We had to go back to the mall to pick up the bride's van since we'd all been in Meg's car. Once we got back in the van, we started to head home. It took almost 40 minutes to get to the interstate, which was only about 2 miles away. I breathed a sigh of immense relief when we got on I-24.

I spent the evening swearing I'd never shop anywhere but on the Internet from now on.....

Friday, December 12, 2008

happy girls at my house.....

Picture if you will, a part-time teacher's assistant, lying in bed, reading the latest People magazine. It's about 9:45 PM. The phone rings. A smile appears on her face. Her husband asks, "Who is it?" She shushes him. Soon after, she says "YES!" She turns to her husband and says, "No school tomorrow!"

I've got some happy girls at my house this morning. Sara probably doesn't know school's out yet because she's still asleep. But she'll be happy when she wakes up.....

Thursday, December 11, 2008

here, take it, it's not mine.....

Remember the picture frame I "bought" but never paid for? I took it back on Saturday. It caused a problem.

I went to the customer service desk and told the lady what had happened. She gave me a blank stare followed by, "OK, can you say that again?" She called an associate over. I repeated the story. She called her supervisor. The supervisor then called Security to find out what she needed to do. Security said she needed to treat it as a return without the receipt. The supervisor said that if she did that, the transaction refund would be for the original price of $100. I jumped in and reminded them that I wasn't asking for a refund; all I wanted to do was return something I didn't pay for. The supervisor asked if I had any other shopping to do and I told her I did. She said to go ahead with the shopping and then come back.

I came back to the service desk about 15 minutes later. They took my address and drivers license number, then thanked me for returning the frame.

It took 4 people to take back a digital picture frame that I never got charged for. 4 people and lots of confusion. I wasn't aware of it until now, but it appears that Target is run by some sort of government entity.....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

um, ok then.....

New York Post - 10/8/08

A woman being interviewed for jury duty on a murder case in Bronx (N.Y.) Supreme Court in October asked to be excused for the reason that she was once murdered, herself, by her husband (but had somehow been revived by a doctor). (She was dismissed from the jury, but on other grounds.)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

they must need new members really bad.....

I've been through DeFuniak Springs, Florida on my way to Seaside. Never stopped there for anything other than a red light. But I got this in the mail yesterday:

They must really need charitable donations in DeFuniak Springs and Walton County.....

Monday, December 08, 2008

thought for the day.....

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Friday, December 05, 2008

home remedies that actually work.....

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Thanks to Chris for today's post.....

Thursday, December 04, 2008

things that zap my Christmas spirit.....

With the cold weather here, I’m starting to get more into the Christmas season. Both trees are up as well as the outside lights. I listen to Christmas music all day courtesy of 92.9 in Nashville. But there are things that tend to get me out of the Christmas spirit really fast. Here are a few:

Any Christmas song by Celine Dion or Michael Bolton – Sorry if you’re a fan of either singer, but they both get on my nerves for different reasons. With Celine, it’s because I can’t stand to watch her perform. Any time I hear her voice, I picture her singing and I can’t turn the radio off fast enough. And I’d rather hear strange noises coming from a fat man in an adjacent men’s room stall than to have to listen to Michael Bolton sing anything.

People who brag about how much they’re spending on Christmas gifts – OK, I get it. You love your friends and family more than anyone else. You win.

Drivers that do 55 in a 70 whenever they see a state trooper that’s pulled over another driver – Come on, people. It’s not like you’re going to get extra credit for when you get caught speeding one day. I got stuck behind a lady who did this yesterday. Slowed down traffic like you wouldn't believe. May her stocking be filled with Michael Bolton CDs.

Corporate text messages – Somehow I got put on a list to receive a text messages that encourage me to visit T-Pain’s web site, his myspace page, and to buy his music. Joy.

Emails encouraging me to order special blue pills – I still think the bride put me on this distribution list. She says she didn’t, but she can be pretty sneaky at times……

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

not sure how to do this.....

Every year we try to come up with a good Christmas present for my grandmother. At 87, there’s not much that she wants or even needs. She lives alone but stays on the go with various trips during the week to the grocery store, church, the post office and Wal Mart.

We decided to buy her a digital picture frame. She doesn’t have a computer so we can’t send her the latest family pictures via email. We figured we’d get the frame and a couple of memory cards. Whenever we took new shots, we thought we’d load them onto a card and mail it to my parents. That way they could put the new card in for Mamaw and mail the old one back to us. Perfect gift.

So I got it out last night and loaded some pictures. Folks, there’s a reason why there are different prices on these digital frames. The more they cost, the better resolution on the screen. I bought what I thought was a mid-range frame. Some of the pictures made the people on screen look like they were missing teeth or an eye. Some looked like we had leprosy. I could actually draw better. After playing with it for about an hour, I decided to take it back. But there may be a problem with returning it.

I picked the frame up at Target during lunch on Monday. When I got back to the office I looked at the receipt. The cashier didn’t charge me for it. So how do you return something that you never paid for? Will they accuse me of shoplifting? Will they look at me like I’ve got three eyes when I tell them I never paid for the item I’m returning?

If you see my cell number show up on your phone, I could be calling for bail money…..

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

why beach vacations make more sense.....

Daily Mail (London) - 9/13/08

In the village of Pumaorcco, Peru, in September, a bus containing 14 British sightseers on holiday was held hostage for five hours by 50 natives wielding pickaxes and metal bars, who mistook them for personnel from a mining company that they believed were exploiting their land. The Peruvian guide finally negotiated their freedom but had to call for another bus, since the villagers completely destroyed the original.

Monday, December 01, 2008

back to reality.....

It was great being off work for a week. I got a few things done and I was able to get caught up on some rest.

The food was great all week long. I've now decided it's easier to just buy bigger pants rather than starve myself.

Good to see the Vols win out. The scenes of Fulmer after the game were stirring. Now on to the Kiffin era of football.

I'm dying to post a picture of the bride giving me a look with which I'm very familiar. But I'll use better judgment and just show you one of the girls from the weekend in Johnson City.....