Thursday, May 28, 2009

on the receiving end of a swirlee in high school? this job's for you.....

USA Today - 4/12/09

In April, the district attorney in Vilas County, Wis., announced that he was seeking volunteers for a forensic test to help his case against Douglas Plude, 42, who is scheduled to stand trial soon for the second time in the death of his wife. The volunteers must be female, about 5-feet-8 and 140 pounds, and will have to stick their heads into a toilet bowl and flush. Plude is charged with drowning his wife in a commode, but his version (which the prosecutor will try to show is improbable) is that his wife committed suicide by flushing herself.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

overheard at the driving range.....

I'm playing in a golf tournament on Friday. Since I haven't swung a club in almost two months, I thought it might be a good idea to go hit a bucket of balls before the tournament. I believe if they let me tee up my ball in the fairway, I may be OK.

The range was pretty full yesterday. There were a few guys working on their swings, acting like they knew what they were doing. Then the rest of us appeared to be plowing up the dirt to plant potatoes.

To my right was a guy with two younger boys who looked to be about 3 or 4. Dad was there with his clubs, and his sons had their on set of junior-sized clubs. But the boys were doing more talking than hitting. At one point, the comments went something like this:

"Good shot, Dad! Wow, that was reeeeeally high!"

Dad smiled and said "thanks." Then he started duffing the ball, and the comments went something like this:

"Whoa, that was a bad one, Dad."

"Well, there's another bad one, Dad."

"That one didn't go very high, did it, Dad?"

"Dad, I need to go pee." They left pretty soon after this one.

Even if these boys don't grow up to be professional golfers, it seems that they may one day give Johnny Miller a run for his money as commentators.....

Friday, May 22, 2009

my girls, showin' the love.....

And there ain't a middle schooler in the bunch any more.....

Thursday, May 21, 2009

good job, your fired.....

St. Louis Post-Dispatch - 4/15/09

East St. Louis, Ill., policeman Kristopher Weston apprehended a murder suspect about 20 minutes after the crime in April, which was such a nice piece of police work that the mayor called Weston before the city council to commend him. Five minutes after Weston left the room, the council got down to regular business, the first order of which was to approve a list of police and firefighter layoffs due to budget shortfalls, and on the list because of low seniority was Officer Kristopher Weston.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

he just doesn't want to record that crappy coronation song.....

Did you watch American Idol last night? I was a little surprised that it was an Adam/Kris showdown. For weeks I, like most other people, figured it would be Adam and Danny. But Kris came on strong and deserved to be there. In fact, he might just win it all tonight.

I actually thought Kris won both of the first two rounds. Adam's songs were boring, and Kris's songs were more relevant. Don't get me wrong, Adam is an incredible singer with unbelievable range. Plus, he's an outstanding performer. But I keep thinking about how both singers' talents will translate in the current marketplace, and I see Kris doing better. To me, he's more current. A little bit of John Mayer, with some Jason Mraz thrown in for good measure. Kris just sounds more like what's on the radio today.

Then came the third round. I wonder if Kris was sitting backstage listening to Adam sing that terrible song written by Kara and he started thinking, "Oh, crap! If I win this thing, my recording of No Boundaries will be on iTunes for everyone to make fun of and laugh at. I'd better forget some of the words and give a sub-par performance." Oh, like that couldn't happen!

If Kris wins tonight, it will be considered the biggest upset in Idol history. The judges have been crowning Adam the winner for weeks now. Even their comments to both singers after the last song were a bit lopsided - it was as if they were congratulating Adam for winning and thanking Kris for just showing up. I hope Kris pulls off the win.....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

new ordinance.....

Henceforth, all police and state troopers are to cease patrolling the interstates during the morning commute. Studies show that drive-times are drastically reduced when said officers are not present. Also, driving the speed limit has proven to make some motorists lose their minds. It's a win-win.....

Monday, May 18, 2009

y es! a new pimple.....

Daily Telegraph (London) - 4/13/09

New York artist Ariana Page Russell has a dermatological disorder that makes her skin puff up immediately at the slightest scratch (which renders her, she says, the "human Etch A Sketch"). She now scratches herself in deliberate patterns, to create artistic designs, which she photographs and offers for sale. Russell says she must work quickly, for her skin usually returns to normal after about an hour.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

everybody ought to have one of these.....

Ever have a friend who knew you every which way? They know your good stuff, your bad stuff and everything in between. They're the kind of friend you could call at 2:30 in the morning from jail and they would be there without a trace of judgment.

Jeff and I met when we were both 14 when his dad came to pastor our church. He didn't want to come to Kingsport. At all. He hated the thought of moving right before he was to start high school. During the next 4 years we became each other's closest friends and sounding boards.

Over the years life took us in different directions and we lost touch. Then Facebook came along, I found his little sister, and she gave me his contact information. Jeff came up this past weekend and we went to the Unwigged & Unplugged concert at the Ryman. As much fun as we had at the concert, the best part of the weekend was our conversation. We stayed up talking until about 3:00 Monday morning, then picked it right back up a few hours later.

I've found that the older I get, the harder it is to find good friends. I've also found that the best friends in life are the ones I made as a teenager. Good times.....

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

sibling facebook chatter.....

Julie Stapleton Cathey
I'm going to have major surgery so I can have strawberry shortcake too!! Either that or come in Memorial Day weekend.....

Devonna E. Stapleton
I'd go with Memorial Day weekend if I were you...but it's totally up to you, whatever you want!

Wade Stapleton
I don't have to have major surgery to get this. I just show up.....

Thursday, May 07, 2009

gonna' move.....

Not me. No, the bride hasn't kicked me out of the house. Yet. Tomorrow's the day Meg moves back home for the summer.

26 years ago, right about this same time, I moved back home from my dorm room at ETSU after my stellar freshman year. I made about 3, maybe 4, trips up and down the stairs in the dorm and I was finished. I had a 13" television, some stereo equipment, a small refrigerator, and my clothes. No books to take home, since I'd already sold them back for pennies on the dollar. I stripped my bed and tried to fold my sheets, but they cracked and crumbled and I ended up throwing them out. No one told me I was supposed to wash them. And of course, no computer equipment. PC's back then took up the space of a small laboratory. So
instead of a computer, I had my slide rule and my abacus. It was that long ago.

Tomorrow's move will be more like the move I made when the bride and I moved into our first house. There's a recliner involved. A couple of televisions. More clothes than I've owned in my entire life. And nick nacks. Tons of nick nacks. (I don't think I ever had either a nick or a nack in my dorm room. Decorations, other than posters, were never even considered. I wonder what happened to that Farrah Fawcett poster? I'll bet Ray still has it.)

It'll be good to have Meg back home. Yes, it will be an adjustment for all of us, but that's normal. Besides, it'll be good to hear the girls fighting again.....

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

designed for those too busy to pray..... - 3/25/09

The Web site offers, for people too busy to speak to God themselves, a daily service of invocations (using voice-synthesizing software) for Catholics, Protestants, Jews or Muslims. Starting each day "reciting" the Lord's Prayer (or the Islamic Fajr) is $3.95 a month. Hail Marys are 70 cents a day for 10. A Complete Rosary Package is $49.95 a month. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the subscriber's name on the screen, and for Muslim prayers, the computer's speakers point toward Mecca.

Monday, May 04, 2009

this probably makes me a bad person.....

Have you tried to find a family-friendly movie lately? One that both Dad and daughters can watch together without good ol' Dad getting embarrassed? Just about impossible any more.

After searching through the Comcast pay-per-view lineup for about 20 minutes, we decided to watch
Marley & Me Saturday night. The bride was afraid she would cry. I thought it might be good because of the previews. And who wouldn't want to watch Jennifer Anniston for 90+ minutes? 90+ minutes later, I guess the best way to describe my feeling was that I was mad.

I'm a pretty practical kind of person. I see a problem and I attempt to fix it. (Unless that problem is one presented by the bride. I've long since learned that she doesn't always want things fixed, she sometimes just wants to tell me about a problem and then she expects me to not do anything but listen. I think she's trying to drive me to an early grave.) The whole time I was watching Marley & Me, I wanted to solve their problem. I wanted to scream "JUST GET RID OF THE STUPID DOG! IT'S NOT FUNNY ANY MORE! OWEN, DUDE, JENNIFER ANNISTON IS ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU OVER THE DOG! YOU HAVE THE MOST CROOKED NOSE ON THE PLANET, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANY BETTER THAN HER! JUST. GET. RID. OF. IT!"

I read Grogan's autobiographical book,
The Long Trip Home. Very good book. He talked about Marley in the book, but he never described him in any way close to how he was depicted in the movie. Yes, John Grogan and his dog had a special connection. Especially when Marley was older. But I sat there the whole time wondering just how any dog could be worth the problems he caused.

The bride said she'd like to have a small house dog one day. I've told her that she can either have a dog or me, because if she gets a dog I'll be gone the very next day. She hasn't gotten back to me yet on that.....

Friday, May 01, 2009

sometimes it takes growing up to appreciate things.....

We had a strict rule at our house growing up - once your hair touched your ears, and if you were a male, it was time for a haircut. (I say "we", but actually "we" had nothing to do with it. This was more of a management mandate.) When said hair did actually touch said ears, I would be driven to Ed Medlin's Barber Shop and promptly given a haircut. The next day at school would be terrible because my hair would be so much shorter than everyone else who was my age, but I got used to it. (You know your hair is short if the principal's butch cut is longer than your hair.)

As I got older, I was allowed to go other places besides Ed Medlin's for haircuts, but the rules remained the same - my hair had to be short. Only when I
got to college did my hair touch my ears. I thought I was a bigger rebel than James Dean. These days, my hair never gets longer than about 2 inches. (On my head, that is. My back hair can reach lengths up to 6 or 7 inches if not properly maintained. It's a gift.)

Looking back, I'm sort of glad Dad made me keep my hair short. Not because of the ridicule I received from those with thick, flowing manes of hair, but because I was never tempted to grow a mullet. When your hair is short both in the front and in the back, you don't have the luxury of "business in the front/ party in the back" kind of hair.

Today I'm grateful that Dad for never g
ave me the opportunity to look like any of these guys.....

PS - Kathy Moffitt said she used to date guys who looked like this.....