hey, i'm italian.....

The bride sent me out after a few items at the grocery store on Saturday. It was probably good "medicine" for me since UT had just lost to Vanderbilt. But I will give everyone a warning - unless you absolutely HAVE TO go to the grocery store the weekend before Thanksgiving, don't. It's too crowded and everything is picked over.

For example, one of my stops was at Panera Bread where I was to pick up a couple of loaves of sourdough bread. I walked in with my list and coupon (one loaf free) and was promptly told that they were completely out of sourdough bread. Panera Bread (emphasis on the word "Bread") was out of sourdough bread. That's like McDonald's being out of hamburgers. Or Fazolli's being out of spaghetti. You get the point.

So I go to Kroger's. Sure, they have sourdough bread, 2 loaves even, but they both had mold on them. Mold. Very nice. I called the bride, and she suggested that I go to Publix to get the bread and the other two items on my list. Fair enough.

I end up at Publix. We've started coming here more often than Bi-Lo for one main reason - self-check-out's. Bi-Lo pulled their self-check-out's, so we pulled our business. So I go to the back, find two nice sliced loaves of sourdough bread and look at the other two items on my list - vanilla ice cream and parmesan cheese, the kind in the shaker.

I don't know about you, but we keep our parmesan cheese in the refrigerator. Therefore, I looked for the parmesan cheese in the refrigerated section near the other cheeses. My logic is that cheese is cheese, and they'll ALL be together. I looked beside the mozzarella, the cheddar, the swiss, but there's no parmesan. I did find some expensive kind, actually a 3-cheese mix, in another section, but I knew I just wanted the regular Kraft in the shaker. In desparation, I did what most men hate to do - I asked for help.

Lois seemed nice enough, and was eager to help. "Sure, let me show you!" I followed Lois to the expensive 3-cheese mix.

"Actually, I did see that, but I was looking for the plain kind in the shaker."

Lois then handed me a block of parmesan cheese, sans shaker. "Oh, then this is what you want."

"No, I want the plain kind already in the shaker. I don't want to grate it." (The whole time I'm thinking 'what part of shaker did you not understand?')

"You don't want that, it has toO many other additives and preservatives."

"Yes, I really do want that kind."

She then turned to me as if she was about to bestow upon me some great measure of profundity and said, "Hey, I'm Italian, and I know parmesan cheese."

To which I replied, "Hey, I'm married and I know what my wife told me to get. So if you'll just point me in the direction of the Kraft brand, that'll be great."

I think I stunned her with that one. A bit miffed, she told me which aisle to find the additive-laden Kraft parmesan cheese.

Much to our delight, no one at dinner that night died from ingesting any ill-advised preservatives.....