You may have heard about the American Airlines flight that was diverted to Nashville in mid-air last week because a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence. First, like the title says, I checked and we're not related. Second, the OFIT was granted an EXCLUSIVE phone interview with Mrs. Freida Flatus from Chickasha, Oklahoma. Here's the REAL story:
OFIT - Mrs. Flatus, I'd like to thank you for allowing me to talk with you for a few minutes.
Mrs. Flatus - Oh, my goodness, Mr. OFIT, I'm just so glad I could get my side of the story out to all of your readers.
O - Well, I'm glad to do it. First off, did you know that you might have gas problems when you got on the plane that morning?
F - You know, I did. But I thought by taking a couple of Gax X before boarding that this wouldn't be a problem.
O - I see. Was their any warning prior to your, uh, well, um.....
F - Toot?
O - Excuse me?
F - Were you referring to my toot? That's what I call them. I've heard poot, fluff, fart, and many others, but I prefer toot. It just sounds better, I think.
O - OK, we'll go with that. So, was there any prior warning?
F - Did you ever see the movie "Dumb & Dumber"?
O - Yes, ma'am, I did. A very funny movie.
F - Remember the part where Jeff Daniels is driving up the mountain in the sports car? All the gurgling and carrying on of his stomach?
O - Yes, I remember that scene.
F - Well, that was quiet compared to the noises coming from my stomach. The man sitting beside me acted like he didn't hear anything, but I knew better. And there was no way I could hold it in. Goodness knows, I tried. But I just couldn't do it.
O - OK, so the "event" happens. What was your first thought?
F - My first thought was that I shouldn't have eaten the chili fries from TGI Fridays the night before. I always play Bunco with a bunch of other widows in the condo on Sunday nights after church, and we decided to go out for dinner afterwards. Anyway, then I thought about blaming someone else. But as my late husband, Irving, always said, "The smeller's the feller" so I knew that wasn't an option. That's when I reached for my matches. I always keep them in my purse for just such an emergency.
O - So you're saying that this isn't the first time you've had flatulence in public?
F - Heavens no! I'm not proud of it, but it happens. In fact, when they handed out superlatives in the high school yearbook, my title was "Most Likely to Ask Someone to Pull His/Her Finger". I come from a long line of gas passers.
O - Your problem is hereditary?
F - I'm afraid so. Holidays are quite stressful for all of us. While I enjoy everyone's company, we usually end up outside on the front porch because of everyone's "issue". And it's almost always cold at Christmastime, so we all end up catching colds.
O - Is there anything you'd like to tell my readers? Something you'd like to say to clear your name?
F - I'm not sure that I can ever clear my name. From this point on, even if I find a cure for the common cold, I'm afraid I'll be known as that crazy gassy woman on the plane. But I do want everyone to know that I'm in no way connected with the Al Kaida or their network of terrorists. I wasn't trying to hijack the plane with a match. I'm simply a woman who tried to do the right thing by my fellow passengers and cover up a nasty odor. Oh, and I'm sorry American Airlines had to land in Nashville and delay all those other nice people on the plane. It was, however, good to get to the ladies' room when we landed.
O - Thank you, Mrs. Flatus. I'm sure my 4 readers all feel that they now know you a little better now.....
OFIT - Mrs. Flatus, I'd like to thank you for allowing me to talk with you for a few minutes.
Mrs. Flatus - Oh, my goodness, Mr. OFIT, I'm just so glad I could get my side of the story out to all of your readers.
O - Well, I'm glad to do it. First off, did you know that you might have gas problems when you got on the plane that morning?
F - You know, I did. But I thought by taking a couple of Gax X before boarding that this wouldn't be a problem.
O - I see. Was their any warning prior to your, uh, well, um.....
F - Toot?
O - Excuse me?
F - Were you referring to my toot? That's what I call them. I've heard poot, fluff, fart, and many others, but I prefer toot. It just sounds better, I think.
O - OK, we'll go with that. So, was there any prior warning?
F - Did you ever see the movie "Dumb & Dumber"?
O - Yes, ma'am, I did. A very funny movie.
F - Remember the part where Jeff Daniels is driving up the mountain in the sports car? All the gurgling and carrying on of his stomach?
O - Yes, I remember that scene.
F - Well, that was quiet compared to the noises coming from my stomach. The man sitting beside me acted like he didn't hear anything, but I knew better. And there was no way I could hold it in. Goodness knows, I tried. But I just couldn't do it.
O - OK, so the "event" happens. What was your first thought?
F - My first thought was that I shouldn't have eaten the chili fries from TGI Fridays the night before. I always play Bunco with a bunch of other widows in the condo on Sunday nights after church, and we decided to go out for dinner afterwards. Anyway, then I thought about blaming someone else. But as my late husband, Irving, always said, "The smeller's the feller" so I knew that wasn't an option. That's when I reached for my matches. I always keep them in my purse for just such an emergency.
O - So you're saying that this isn't the first time you've had flatulence in public?
F - Heavens no! I'm not proud of it, but it happens. In fact, when they handed out superlatives in the high school yearbook, my title was "Most Likely to Ask Someone to Pull His/Her Finger". I come from a long line of gas passers.
O - Your problem is hereditary?
F - I'm afraid so. Holidays are quite stressful for all of us. While I enjoy everyone's company, we usually end up outside on the front porch because of everyone's "issue". And it's almost always cold at Christmastime, so we all end up catching colds.
O - Is there anything you'd like to tell my readers? Something you'd like to say to clear your name?
F - I'm not sure that I can ever clear my name. From this point on, even if I find a cure for the common cold, I'm afraid I'll be known as that crazy gassy woman on the plane. But I do want everyone to know that I'm in no way connected with the Al Kaida or their network of terrorists. I wasn't trying to hijack the plane with a match. I'm simply a woman who tried to do the right thing by my fellow passengers and cover up a nasty odor. Oh, and I'm sorry American Airlines had to land in Nashville and delay all those other nice people on the plane. It was, however, good to get to the ladies' room when we landed.
O - Thank you, Mrs. Flatus. I'm sure my 4 readers all feel that they now know you a little better now.....
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