the ofit goes to japan.....

Several months ago I received an e-mail from a gentleman named Dan Waldhoff. Dan is a professor at a Japanese college in (believe it or not) Japan and he teaches English to college students. He asked for permission to use one of my blog entries in a book he was writing. Uh huh. Yeah. Right. I e-mailed him back a couple of times and found this to be a legitimate request.

Dan had the idea to create a book that featured a compilation of blog entries, then use the book to teach his students everyday American English. Sounded like a good idea to me, but what did I know about writing? And why would an author want to use my writing? There's nothing special to it, just thoughts that I put down on paper. Dan said that the entry he chose (I can't remember which one he's using) had to do with the girls and me. He said that Japanese students would find it interesting that a father would be so involved in the lives of his daughters because most fathers in Japan have very little interaction with their children.

On May 12 I received the following e-mail:

Aloha,
Just got the galley sheets from the printer. You are in and they are go to print next week. I'll let you know when I see it.
Best to you!
Dan

He posted the following entry about the book to his blog on June 28:

Work began in September last year - finished in March this year. It goes on sale tomorrow in Japan. It was a lot of work and a lot of fun. Plenty of both. The best parts are that I met a handful of really good writers and working with my friend/boss, Nino-san at ICCNC, was/is a pleasure.

Dan sent me this e-mail last week:

Aloha,
The books were mailed from the publisher on June 20. You should have your copy soon and I hope that you will be happy with the contents! It looked good to me, though I have to admit I let it sit for a few days before paging through it.
The publisher would like to do a special listing on Amazon Japan. It would allow partial page views, etc. The intention, of course, is to sell more copies. However, they feel that they should get the permission of contributors. If you approve please respond to this message with "Yes, list with Amazon!"

Thank you,
Dan

So not only is a blog entry of mine going to be published in a book, the book is actually going to be listed on Japan's Amazon site. It's hard for me to believe. I started blogging 3 years ago for two reasons - first, as a creative release, and second, to do a little journaling. Certainly not to have anything published.

My compensation for the project? Well, my people have been talking to his people, and after weeks, nay, months of negotiations, we've settled on me getting a copy of the book.

Now all I have to do is learn how to read Japanese.....

riddle me this.....

What's bigger than Lavell Crawford of "Last Comic Standing"?

What's more masculine than Rosie O'Donnell?

What's so large that it could apply for its own zip code?

It's the enormous zit on my face. Seriously, I could sell advertising on this sucker.....

hey, look, a new quarter.....

I stopped by a greeting card store on my way home last night. I picked out a few birthday cards to stock up on for work and went to pay for them. The girl behind the counter was about Meg's age, maybe a little older. As she handed me my change, I noticed her looking at the coins.

"Huh", she said, still looking at the coins, "this must be a new quarter."

I said, "Really? Which state?"

She said, "Um, I'm not sure. It just has a picture of a guy playing a drum."

As she showed me the "new" quarter, I told her that this was a bicentennial quarter. "That's not a new quarter. That was around way before you were born."

She looked at me and said, "Oh, yeah, right. I've heard of these. I think my dad used to collect them or something."

I remembered being not much younger than this young lady when these quarters first came out. I left the card store feeling the need to use a cane.....

proof that there are rednecks in japan.....

New York Times - 6/25/07

International restrictions on tuna fishing have created a shortage in Japan's sushi restaurants so dire that chefs are considering substitutes such as sushi prepared with raw horse or deer meat. While that would outrage many Japanese diners, some restaurateurs believe the plan feasible, according to a June New York Times dispatch from Tokyo. Said one: "We tasted it, and horse sushi was pretty good. It was soft, easy to bite off, had no smell."

a delicate aroma of grapefruit and gasoline.....

While we were on vacation we did some shopping at an outlet mall. We went in the Polo outlet and I smelled a couple of different colognes. I liked both the Polo Blue and the Polo Black, but I sprayed some of the Blue on me and the bride loved it. (Honestly, it was like feeding time at the lion's cage and I was the sirloin. But enough of that.)

The bride didn't know what to get me for my birthday, so I thought I'd order some cologne off of e-bay. But I'd forgotten which of the colognes I liked. I thought it was the Black, so I ordered it. I went by Dillards after ordering it to confirm that I liked it. Turns out I liked the Blue better, but the Black was going to be just fine.

I got the Polo Black in the mail. I sprayed it. I smelled gasoline. I thought that maybe it just needed time to set. 4 hours later, it still smelled like gasoline. I got a little sick to my stomach from the smell. The next day I e-mailed the seller and told him that I wanted my money back. The refund is due any day now.

So if you're looking for a special fragrance that has the aroma of grapefruit with a hint of petroleum, have I got a source for you.....

guys like this ruin it for the rest of us.....

Let's say you're a guy who's in love. Let's say you propose to your girlfriend by doing something creative like, oh I don't know, ordering dessert and the ring's on top of the cake. Or you surprise her at work with roses and a proposal. Or you even propose via the jumbotron during a football game. Creative, right? Yeah, I thought so too until I saw this.....

It's simple to do. All you have to do is own a plane, take your fiance-to-be up for a flight around the city, and mow the words into a field.....

i've got to admit, this was pretty cool.....

A day or two after we got back from vacation, I received the following e-mail:

Hi there,

This is sort of weird to post on your blog -- I realize that. :) But I'm a journalist for MSNBC.com, and I think you might be the perfect person to interview for a story I'm working on.

The story's about the idea of TMI -- how we seem to be more inclined than ever to overshare the personal details of our lives to friends, colleagues or even strangers. Your description about the Hot Flash Lady was so hilarious!

I'd love to chat with you over the phone about this, and hear your perspective about oversharing. If you're interested, shoot me an e-mail at melissa.dahl@msnbc.com and let me know when you're available. (It'll only take 10-15 minutes, and it's sure to be a fun conversation.)

Thanks so much,

Melissa Dahl

Health writer/editor, MSNBC.com

I had to read it a few times and go over in my head who might be pulling a gag on me. Then I replied to her e-mail and gave her my phone number. A few days later she called and we did about a 10-minute interview.

Earlier this week I got a voice message from a friend who said they'd seen an article on MSNBC's web site with my name in it. Then Dad said one of his employees saw the article and wondered if the person mentioned in it was me.

This was pretty cool.....

bonds will never be the home run king.....

I grew up an Atlanta Braves fan. Mainly because they were the closest major league team to my home town. And they had their rookie league there in Kingsport at the time. I remember Dad taking me to see them play. I don't remember alot of the names back then, but I do remember seeing a very young Dale Murphy try to catch for them. He was awful behind the plate. Murphy was later moved to center field and had a great career in Atlanta.

I remember the 1974 Atlanta team, at least some of them. Phil Neikro was the knuckle-balling ace. Ralph Garr, Dusty Baker and Hank Aaron were in the outfield. Darrell Evans played 3rd, Davey Johnson was at 2nd, and Johnny Oates was the catcher.

I remember all the hype during Hank Aaron's chase to break Babe Ruth's home run record. He fell one home run short in the 1973 season, so much was made of his debut at the beginning of the '74 season. He tied Ruth at 714 on April 4 off of Jack Billingham of the Reds. For some reason we were out of school that day and I was thrilled because I got to see it live. A few days later, April 8, he hit #715 off of the Dodgers' Al Downing.

I wasn't quite 10 years old so I had no idea people were sending Hank hate mail because of his color. All I knew was that a player from my favorite team was going to break the greatest record in all of sports. What did I care about his skin color?

I'm sure Barry Bonds receives hate mail these days, but I doubt that it has anything to do with the color of his skin. Maybe it's because of the steroids issue. Maybe it's because he's about to break a hallowed record. Or maybe it's because he's perceived to be such a huge jerk. I'd have to go with the latter.

I really loved baseball back then. Athletes performed but didn't need to draw attention to themselves. They let their play on the field do the talking. And they played without the aid of "enhancements".

Bonds may end his career with more home runs than anyone else. But there will always be an asterisk beside whatever number he ends up posting.....

this could be the 9th wonder of the world.....

Last night after a wonderful home-grilled steak birthday dinner, the bride and our girls took me out for dessert. I had no idea where we were going, but we ended up at Krispy Kreme. Yep, the doughnut place. Sure, I could eat doughnuts for dessert any day. But the KK now has a new creation - the doughnut sundae.

I'll have to admit that many times I've eaten a cinnamon apple filled doughnut and remarked to the bride how good it would be with ice cream. And she'd laugh at me. Now look who's laughing!

I wholeheartedly endorse this wonderful new creation, and I'd recommend the cinnamon apple filled with vanilla ice cream, topped with caramel and nuts. Somebody give me a pin, I need to be popped.....

another way to tell you're getting old.....

A couple of weeks ago I went into our kitchen, just getting back from a 3-mile walk. I use the bride's Shuffle to keep me going on my walks, and I started singing a song I'd just heard:

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

Sara was sitting at the kitchen table. She gave me a puzzled look and said incredulously, "You know The Fray?????"

It was the same kind of look one might give a squirrel that sidled up along side of them and began reciting the Preamble.

Ah, kids.....

drive-up etiquette....

Seems that something unusual happens to me every time I go to the Wendy's on White Bridge Road. First an old crazy lady sings to me. Then this.

I went through the drive-up, seeing as how there were only 2 cars in line. (Well, for that reason and the fact that I didn't feel like taking the chance of having an old crazy lady sing to me.) The lady in front of me placed her order then drove around to the window. I placed my order and drove in behind her. I sat and waited. And waited. I saw that the lady in front of me was talking to the guy at the window. Shaking her head. I could tell that something wasn't right because I'm ridiculously brilliant. (It's a gift.) So I rolled my window down to listen. Apparently the lady changed her mind from the time she placed her order to the time she drove forward 47 feet to the window. I remember seeing her original order on the screen and it was something like $15. I heard the lady say, "But I CHANGED MAH MIND! All I want now is FRAHS and a FRAW-STAY!!!!!" (For those of you not from the South, allow me to translate: "frahs and a fraw-stay" means "fries and a Frosty".)

For future reference, here's the correct sequence for placing an oder at a drive-up window: order, drive to window, pay, get your food, then leave. Once you lock in your order and drive around to pick it up, you're obligated to buy it. Period.

People.....

ofit, the soothsayer.....

I predict that Michael Vick will never get endorsement deals from PetSmart, PETA, or Petco.....

hard to believe alchohol was involved.....

Kentucky Enquirer - 5/18/07

Andres Vasquez, 20, of Verona, Ky., initially told the 911 operator in May that someone had "thrown" his truck on top of him, but he finally admitted he was drunk, had had a one-vehicle accident, was trapped upside-down and was in dire pain, fading in and out for over two hours to the dispatcher. The operators pleaded the entire time for Vasquez to just say where he was so that they could send a rescue party, but, as the Kentucky Enquirer put it, "When repeatedly asked his location, (Vasquez's) answer was always the same: 'I'm under the (blank) truck.'" (He finally gave a clue and was rescued.)

from 43 to 9 in 2.6 seconds.....

I can be walking down the hall here at work, minding my own business. Then someone comes from a side hallway. They're now in front of me. And their shoes start making a farting noise each time they step. I'll be 43 next week, but at that moment I turn into a 9-year-old boy. Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside I'm howling. What makes it even funnier is when the person knows their shoe is making that noise and they try to walk a little differently to make it stop. That usually just makes it worse.

Some guys just never completely grow up. I guess I'm one of them.....

things i learned on vacation.....

The week at North Myrtle Beach went by much too fast. A good time was had by all. I survived the car trip to and from the beach with five females, and they survived the car trip with me and my rants about/in traffic.

Here's some stuff I learned while on vacation:

* Never try to get on the interstate behind an elderly man delivering two pallets of cinderblocks in his 1960-something pickup. He's in no hurry to do the speed limit, he can really screw up traffic, and he can almost get you killed.

* When trying to swim out to where the waves are breaking in the ocean, it's best to just face them head on and dive into them rather than to try and dodge them. There's a life metaphor in there somewhere.

* Family picture time at the beach can be more stressful than a prostate exam.

* Always take a watch when walking on the beach. If you don't, you can walk for 6 miles on the first day and your feet will be really raw the rest of the week.

* It doesn't matter how much food and snack stuff you lug for 640 miles in your van that's supposed to last the whole week, you're still going to have to make an average of 5.7 trips to Wal Mart and/or the grocery store while you're there.

* Seinfeld episodes are better when viewed with close friends.

* Broadway at the Beach is the most crowded place in the world during the summer months. It's like walking through a flabby-armed spanking machine.

* Black squirrels at the golf courses on the Grand Strand can actually lift 20 ounce styrofoam cups of iced tea up out of a golf cart.

* Husbands and wives can sometimes have different definitions of what's bad and what's not so bad. Especially at Steak 'n Shake.

OK, so vacation's over. Now I'm ready for college football season.....

let the countdown commence.....

I'm ready. So very ready. Vacation begins for me this morning. I'm leaving the office at 10:30 and I won't be back until the 16th. I won't be wearing a watch for over a week. No pants, dress shirts, dress shoes, ties and the like. Shaving is optional. Not for the bride, but for me. Glad I don't have to shave my legs, but I'm glad she does.

If you see a man in his 40's on I-40, I-26, I-20 or I-95 tomorrow, riding with 5 women, banging his head on the window, say a silent prayer for him. Or say a really loud prayer so he can hear you. It will be much appreciated.....

itunes 30-some years ago.....

I was talking with Sara a couple of weeks ago in the car about the way listening to music has changed in my lifetime. It's gone from albums and 45s, to 8-tracks, to cassettes, to CDs, to digital - all in the span of about 40 years. She acted interested in the conversation, but I know behind those eyes was a "so?" thought or two.

I mentioned how I wasn't able to take my music with me and listen to it in the car when we went on vacation in the late-'60s and early '70s. Where would you put a turntable in a car, and how would you keep the tonearm still? Now the girls just download their music, transfer it to their iPods and listen on the fly. And when they want to torture me with Justin Timberlake or Hanna Montana, they just plug in the adapter and listen to it through the van's sound system.

I, of course, didn't have iTunes growing up. But none of us did, so it wasn't like I thought I was missing anything. I had my own version of iTunes. I had a Sanyo 15 watt receiver and a Realistic (Radio Shack) cassette tape deck in my room. I bought these, along with some Pioneer speakers , with money earned from my paper route. And Santa brought me a BSR turntable for Christmas. Because I'd spent all my money on this unbelieveably expensive sound system (seems like my part was just over $300 for all of it), I didn't have alot of discretionary income to purchase albums, 45's and cassettes. So I'd listen to 101.5 WQUT and wait for the DJ to announce the next song. If it was a song I liked, I'd hit the "record" button on my cassette deck just in time and catch the whole song. On Saturday nights the station would play the latest albums in their entirety without commercial interruptions. That was like striking gold for me because a blank cassette cost me $3 and the album would usually run around $12-15.

See? I was even cheap when I was a teenager.....

happy 4th.....

gotta' get me one of them thar' iphones.....

Dear Mr. Jobs,

Please allow this letter to serve as an order for 3 of your new iPhones. Our entire family has been marvelling at the commercials for this wonderful device and we simply can't wait any longer. You know what? Just make it 4 phones. Sara's 12 and it makes alot of sense to go ahead and spend another $600 for her first phone.

As for all those negative reviews that have surfaced over the first 72 hours since its release? Please. More people just need to watch the commercial and trust with blind faith that this is the greatest thing ever created.

By the way, great idea hooking up with AT&T for exclusive carrier rights! We hated the horrible service, the rude customer service reps and outrageous extra fees they charged us before, but surely that's all improved since we left them. And what's a few dropped calls? I'd rather have a cool phone and drop calls than to have an uncool phone (i.e. - Mr. Razr, 2006 is calling) and have clear reception.

I've heard that alot of people are complaining about the small hard drive space on the new iPhone. (I actually heard someone say they'd rather buy a 30 gig iPod Video and keep his current phone than to shell out $600 for the first iPhone. Can you believe the bass-ackward thinking of some people?) But I'm sure you'll come out with larger drives on the next release. What'll that be, like, 6 months from now? Then all of us who bought the first iPhones will gladly come back and pay for the new model, even if it costs $1,000. It's just money. And these days, if you don't have an excess of money, there must be something wrong with you. Am I right?

So let's total things up:

4 iPhones - $2,400

4 wireless plans - $320/month (that's 2 @ $60 a month for the bride and me, and 2 @ $100 per month for the girls - they'll need unlimited text messaging and 900 minutes instead of just 450)

Cancel 3 wireless plans - $525

Activation fees - $144

Grand total up front - $3,389

That may sound like alot of money, but when you consider it's less than Sara's braces it's really not that bad at all. Besides, there's a price to pay to stay on the cutting edge of technology. And kids need more of that and less money deposited into their college savings funds. Don't you agree? Plus, my lovely wife and I are always tripping over the stacks of cash we have lying all over the house. So while were updating our wireless service (and thereby making our lives more complete) we're actually cleaning our house. Two birds, meet one stone.

Less than sincerely,

The OFIT

at seventeen.....

I feel like Billy Crystal's mom in the movie City Slickers. Seventeen years. 204 months. 6,205 days. That's how old Meg is today.

I remember taking pictures of the bride on the front porch of our first house the morning we went to the hospital. Side view, of course, to show the pregnant belly. About 8 hours later we had our very first child.

The bride and I are proud of the young lady Meg's becoming. Happy birthday, babe!

too much information.....

For some strange reason, people have always seemed to feel comfortable enough around me to share their thoughts and problems with me. I've had countless employees come to me over my 20+ years in business and unload both their personal and work problems on me. I don't mind it. I appreciate the fact that they do feel comfortable enough to share with me. But when it gets to that TMI (too much information) phase of the conversation, I wish I had a subtle way of saying "No, eww, stop, right now!"

I'm walking into work yesterday morning and got to the elevator door at the same time as another lady. The conversation was the standard, "Hey, what floor", "'mornin'", "it's almost the weekend" kind of stuff. Then I mentioned the weather. My mistake, apparently.

She said: "Yeah, it's gonna' be sooo hot out there today."

I said: "That's just summertime in the South."

She: "Oh, I know, but it's just so miserable."

I: "Yes, you're right."

She: "But you know I have noticed that the older I get the less the heat effects me. I'm at the age where I get hot flashes, so I guess I'm more used to the heat."

I: uncomfortable chuckle "Have a good day!" And with that I turned the corner and got on another elevator.

Batman has always been my favorite superhero, but at that moment I wished I had Superman's power to make the globe spin backwards and go back in time so that I could have avoided this little conversation. All I could have done with Batman's utility belt would have been to grab something like the Bat-arang and bop her on the head. Just a tad less subtle.

OK, ladies, take it from me - men neither want nor need to hear about your hot flashes. We've got plenty going on in our lives. Unless you're married to us, and we understand that just goes with the territory. Then again maybe it's just me.....

hollywood love shore is different.....

I ran across this the other day.....

Angelina Jolie told Marie Claire magazine that she doesn't think she's ever seriously said "I love you" to Brad Pitt.

She said, "I don't think we've ever said (I love you). I mean, I'm sure we have, but we would have to punch each other in the arm first."

I guess it's true - having children can affect your love life.....

save your son's life, get a ticket.....

I heard this story on the John Boy & Billy show yesterday. The last line of the story leads me to believe that the game management supervisor from Georgia couldn't see the forest for the trees.....

Man kills 300-pound bear with a log

HELEN, Ga. (AP) — A 300-pound black bear raided a family's campsite, and the father saved his sons from harm by throwing a log at the beast, killing it with a single blow.

Chris Everhart and his three sons were camping in the Chattahoochee National Forest in northern Georgia when the encounter happened Saturday. The bear took the family's cooler and was heading back to the woods when the youngest son, 6-year-old Logan, hurled a shovel at it.

The bear then dropped the cooler and started coming at the boy, said his father. Fearing what might happen next, Everhart, an ex-Marine, grabbed the closest thing he could find — a log from their stash of firewood.

"(I) threw it at it and it happened to hit the bear in the head," Everhart said. "I thought it just knocked it out but it actually ended up killing the bear."

Everhart was given a ticket for failing to secure his camp site, said Ken Riddleberger, a region supervisor for game management with the Georgia Department of Natural Resources.

fed ex door tags obviously mean nothing.....

The bride called me at work Thursday afternoon. "Did you order something that was supposed to be delivered by Fed Ex?" I thought for a moment. "Yeah, I've got a movie coming but I didn't think he'd ship it with Fed Ex." She said that Fed Ex had tried to deliver a package but since no one was home they left a door tag and said we could either pick it up after 4:00 pm or they'd try to deliver it again on Friday.

When I got home that night I decided to track the package with the number on the door tag. It showed that it had been delivered. I called the 800 number. Yeah, it's been delivered. But the was address a couple of streets over. Huh? So I looked at the tracking screen a little closer. The package came from New Jersey and it weighed 8 pounds. My shipment is coming from Kentucky and shouldn't weigh more than a pound.

OK, evidently that wasn't my package. I posed the following question to the Fed Ex employee - "So why do I have a door tag saying they couldn't deliver a package to me that obviously wasn't my package to begin with?" Silence. Then an "uh......" followed by "um......", a "huh....." and "that's strange....." and finally "is there anything else Fed Ex can do for you today?"

I said "uh, no, I'm good" and hung up.....

coming soon to the nfl network.....

Press Release - June 25, 2007

Survivor. American Idol. The Real World. The Biggest Loser. All winners with other networks. Now the NFL Network is throwing its hat in the reality TV ring. Remember the movie "The Truman Show"? Truman's got nothing on the Network's latest series, "That Darn Pac".

Follow the beloved Adam Bernard "Pac Man" Jones as he is "wrongly accused" of everything from spitting in a woman's face to "being at the wrong strip club at the wrong time". Tag along with him and his posse as they visit a Mapco store in the wee hours of the morning and gunfire breaks out. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish some other team besides the Titans had drafted him.

Check local listings for viewing times in your area.....

you kids, stop having fun in your pool right now.....

Noise charge dismissed, kids' squeals OK

FRANK ELTMAN, Associated Press, GARDEN CITY, N.Y.

It's what kids do: squeal in delight when they're having fun.

But to some Long Island residents those squeals were unwelcome noise, and they wanted two neighborhood girls playing in a backyard pool to pipe down.
The complaints fell on deaf ears Wednesday night when Bayville's acting village justice dismissed a summons accusing the girls' parents, William and Rachel Poczatek, of violating a village noise ordinance.

"I think the village did the right thing," William Poczatek said.

Poczatek said he was shocked when he and his wife were slapped with a summons. Sure, he said, Ashley, 11, and 5-year-old Chloe make noise when they're outside enjoying their aboveground swimming pool.

"What, are you telling me that a kid can't make noise?" he protested. "It's not fair."

The Poczateks were cleared because the ordinance is usually reserved for "the shouting and crying of peddlers, hawkers and vendors, which disturbs the peace and quiet of the neighborhood," their attorney said.

"The statute didn't apply," insisted attorney Andrew Campanelli, who got no argument from the judge or prosecutor.

Before the hearing, neighbor Sheila Brown said the children's squeals were not your usual brand of merriment.

"I have five dogs," Brown said. "Five dogs don't make this much noise. This is not something that started yesterday. They have been asked politely, but this is an ongoing issue far beyond children just playing in the pool."

Neighbors did not speak with reporters after the court proceeding.

Poczatek offered a conciliatory message: "Yes, we will try to keep them quieter."

ok, i've hit the countdown phase.....

Two weeks from this Saturday we head back to North Myrtle Beach. And I've started the countdown because I'm ready to be there now.

We're trying something different this year. We've done the beach thing with the Moffitts and we thoroughly enjoy it every year. This year we're letting Meg, Sara and Landon each take a friend. So instead of 8 people in the condo, there will be 11. Numbers don't scare me. Ratios scare me. Like the ratio 7:4. Scares the living daylights out of me. It's gotten to where any time I even see the numbers 7 and 4 even remotely close to each other I begin to tremble. I had to turn off the television Monday night while watching a baseball game because the pitcher's uniform number was 47. Yeah, it's that bad. So what's the deal with the ratio 7:4? It's the female-to-male ratio in the condo this year.

You have to know that I love my three girls, and Kathy and Kaitlyn, and the other two girls going are like daughters to me. But you should also understand that I know what a 3:1 ratio is like already. And while 7:4 is proportionately better than 3:1, 7 is still greater than 3.

Let's talk about another ratio that scares me more than midgets in low lighting - 5:1. That's the ratio of females to males in our van on the trip up and back. The trip back will be a little easier since we'll be breaking it up into two days. But the trip up is a one day, 620 mile jaunt. That's with me, the lovely bride, 2 17-year-old girls and 2 12-year-old girls. I must be out of my mind.

Chris e-mailed me the other day about sleeping arrangements in the condo for everyone. He said that one of the bedrooms had two twin beds and suggested that he and I take that room and relive our dorm room days from Cooper Hall at ETSU. I just might take him up on that.....

brace yourself.....

So today's the big day for Sara. Just after 9:30 this morning they'll start putting her braces on. She and the bride stocked up on ice cream and stuff like that last night.

Neither the bride nor I had to go through braces. None of our siblings did either. So why does it seem that almost all kids have to have them now? It's a racket, I tell you.

On an unrelated note, I played my first round of non-scramble golf after work yesterday. Shot an 86, but should have scored better. Started out birdie-birdie but triple-bogied the 9th and had a 40 on the front. Lost 5 balls on the back. That won't help your game.

I must be tired this morning. I'm always the first one in the office so I'm always the person who unlocks the front door and turns off the alarm system. So how do I know I'm tired? As I approached the front door this morning, I started to point my keychain fob at the door to unlock it rather than reaching for the front door key.....

yeah, now, about that reward.....

WWAY-TV - Wilmington, NC

Lolita Bullock turned herself in to sheriff's deputies in Jacksonville, N.C., in May, confessing to robbing a Bank of America a week earlier. She then immediately requested the "crimestoppers" reward money, which (since she was then under arrest) she asked be given to her friend who accompanied her.

the hard life my children live, volume 2.....

Remember how Sara went to Key Largo last week on a field trip? Meg and a friend are in Destin this week. They went down with two families to help with their kids. Free week at the beach. Tough life.

I remember going to the beach with a cousin when I was about 11 or 12. I couldn't wait - a week at Myrtle Beach with my favorite cousin! There was one catch though. It was camping. In a pop-up camper. At the beach. Camping in a pop-up camper at the beach is alot like living inside a gas grill. Except the smell is worse.

Not that I'm jealous or anything.....

look and learn, boys.....

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my wife? If I haven't lately, let me mention now that I do.....

and you thought this would taste good, huh.....

I had an uncle who used to say that even hogs won't eat cucumbers. I'm not sure if he did a scientific study on this or if he just observed this while growing up on the farm. Anyway, it's supposed to be true.

Pepsi is selling a new soft drink in Japan this summer called "Pepsi Ice Cucumber". According to Aya Takemoto, spokeswoman of Japan's Pepsi distributor, Suntory Limited, "We wanted a flavor that makes people think of keeping cool in the summer heat. "We thought the cucumber was just perfect."

Good luck with all that. And keep it in Japan, we're OK without it here.....

if i ever had a son, this is something he'd probably end up doing.....

Reuters - 4/26/07

In April, a woman in Braintree, England, took her 2-1/2-year-old son to local firefighters to ask if they would remove the toilet seat that had become tightly stuck to his head.

No explanation was reported.

thanks, rock.....

The bride and I watched "Rocky Balboa" Friday night. It was even one of her suggestions when we were in Blockbuster. So I ran to the counter with it before she changed her mind.

I'm a huge Rocky fan. My heart pumps faster whenever I hear the theme music. Yes, I understand that if the punches had been real, Rocky would have never made it through the first movie. But nowhere in the trailers does it say that it's a documentary. So I'm good with it.

While this installment wasn't the best of the 6 (I'd rank them in the following order: Rocky 2, Rocky, Rocky 3, Rocky Balboa, Rocky 4, then Rocky 5), it definitely had its moments. My favorite line of the movie was:

It's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.

I'd say that's a pretty good way to stay sane in life. Who knew Sylvester Stallone was a philosopher.....

field trips, then and now.....

I remember my 6th grade end-of-the-year field trip. It was a picnic at Warriors Path State Park. We packed lunches and rode the bus there. And it was so much fun because Johnny, the "cool bus driver", drove the bus that day and played kick ball with us. Good times.

We took Sara to the airport yesterday morning around 4:30. There were 34 6th graders from FIS who were going on an end-of-the-year field trip to Key Largo to participate in something called MarineLab. They'll snorkle to see fish, coral reefs and other things. Sara called us yesterday evening and said she swam beside a barracuda.

Let's see - I played kick ball at the end of my 6th grade year; my daughter swam beside a barracuda. I think it's safe to say that things have changed quite a bit over the past 30 years.....

oh no you dih-unt.....

Sista Smiff tagged me for a meme. First of all, I didn't even know what a meme was. I surmised that it's eight things about me that most people don't know. Second, I wasn't really sure how to pronouce "meme". Is it supposed to have a French kind of lilt? Or is it more like "me-me"? I'm going with the second one.

So here goes.....

1. I used to sleepwalk. Alot. I once relieved myself on my dad's raincoat in the hall closet because I thought I was in the bathroom. I also poured water on the bride's head right after we got married, thinking I was watering a plant.

2. I've never visited a foreign country. However, the bride and I do plan to travel quite a bit after the girls get out of college.

3. My first concert was at Freedom Hall Civic Center in Johnson City - The Charlie Daniels Band.

4. For some reason, I like me some clocks. I've got 5 here in my office. Add my two computers, my Dell Axim, and my watch, and I've got 9 different places to turn for the current time of day. Not that any of them ever have the same time.

5. "Me-Me" is a character I developed for story time with the girls. It's not copywritten or anything, so all you have to do is use your thumb and forefinger (like a puppet) and say "me-me" over and over. Yeah, I'm a genius.

6. My personality type is ENTJ.

7. I got to meet the Harlem Globetrotters when I was 6. Dad arranged for me to ride on the team bus from their hotel to the arena, and I sat next to Meadowlark Lemon. He gave me an autographed mini basketball. Then he passed around an official size basketball and had ALL of the Globetrotters sign it. Curley Neal, Geese Ausbie, Marcus Haynes. All of them. The next day I played with it in the rain and all the autographs were gone.

8. My lowest golf round is 80. Twice.

There you go.....

ugh.....

This is a picture of me as a got out of bed this morning and argued with my body that it was 5:15 AM and NOT 3:15 AM.....

what's in your wallet.....

After meetings yesterday afternoon, Dad and I did our own unofficial casino/hotel tour on the Las Vegas strip. We went from Caesar's Palace to the Bellagio to Bally's to Planet Hollywood to Paris to New York/New York to Excalibur past the Luxor to Mandalay Bay to MGM, back to Paris and Caesar's Palace. We had to have walked over 5 miles.

We ate at Le Cafe St. Louis in Paris. Good NY strip, fair service. (Note - if you order iced tea, when the waiter brings it to you and it looks really dark, taste it first. Don't just assume that it's dark tea. Could be Pepsi. And you don't want to taste Pepsi with Sweet 'n Low and lemon.) The waitress brought our checks and we paid. I remember there being 5 receipts for some reason. I also remember putting 4 of them in my wallet.

So I go back to the room and start packing. I decided to get my receipts together and began to do an expense report. When I opened my wallet to get my receipts, I noticed my corporate card was missing. I panicked. I NEVER do that kind of thing. Turns out I do every now and then. I called Paris, talked to someone at the restaurant and they forwarded me to their lost and found. No one had turned it in. I think I must have left it in the little folder with my signed receipt. So I called the credit card company, reported the card lost and ordered a replacement. Could've been alot worse.

A couple of things about the trip in general. If you come to Vegas and don't plan to do any roaming on your own away from the strip, don't rent a car. Too much of a hassle. If you have to have a car, don't rent from Hertz. (Hertz is German for "we charge you twice as much as the other guys, our employees are snotty, and we have the longest lines.") Also, American Airlines does not have a grasp on the concept of being on time. Southwest will get my business from now on whenever possible. Kudos to the Las Vegas airport for their free wireless internet. Other airports should do the same.

My flight into O'Hare has been delayed by 50 minutes. Imagine that. Here's hoping I make my connecting flight.....

presentation of happyness.....

I've been to alot of conferences over the past 20+ years. I've had the privilege of hearing several "famous" people speak. Today's first speaker impressed me more than anyone I've ever heard.

Chris Gardner is the gentleman that Will Smith portrayed in the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". This guy is unbelievable. But what makes him so spectacular isn't the fact that he brought himself up from the streets to living the life of a millionaire. It's more in how he defines himself. He believes his greatest accomplishment is that he was and is a successful father.

Nice to see someone famous define success on his own terms.....

yo, boss, we hit da' wrong room.....

I've seen way too many Vegas/mob movies.

In an attempt to adjust to another time zone, I decided to stay up past 11 pm Saturday night. I have a hard time sleeping away from home, and I usually adjust to my new settings by my last night on the road. My body thought it was after 1 am Sunday morning, but I wanted to make sure I was good and tired when I went to bed. Mission accomplished, I was wiped out.

I was awakened at 12:11 am by knocking. I thought someone was knocking on the door of the room next to mine, so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. Again with the knocking. This time I realized it was my door that was being knocked on. So I figured I'd go to the door and look through the peephole.

The bride will attest to the fact that I don't wake up very easily in the middle of the night. I tried reaching for my glasses and realized half-way to the door that I'd actually grabbed my cell phone holster. I go back to the bedside table to get my glasses and the knocking had stopped. I got back in bed, the knocking started up again. This time, after the knocking ceased, the door started opening.

This was when my brain started going into overdrive. A hit man has gone to the wrong room, I'm about to get a bullet to the temple, I'm going to be beaten up over debts that aren't mine, etc. So as the door opens I say, "could I help you?" and then I hear, "housekeeping!", to which I reply "NO!!!!!" and the door closed.

I learned how to work the deadbolt Sunday night.....

of outhouses and memories.....

Saturday, June 2 - 1:45 pm

I remember going to my grandparent’s farm in Rogersville when I was growing up. It was out in the country, not a lot to do. A place that, as a kid, I had a hard time visiting because there was so little to do. Fast forward 30 years and it’s the kind of place I actually would love to visit to allow me someplace to go where there is very little to do. A place without everyday distractions.

The one thing I dreaded the most about visiting the farm was the lack of indoor plumbing. Don’t get me wrong, I was like any young boy - peeing outdoors was a treat. It’s just how we’re wired. But if the situation called for a more involved relief session, that was troubling. Such situations would require a visit to the outhouse. Summertime was the worst. Not only were there snakes to watch out for, but the heat was next to intolerable. You didn’t do a lot of reading of the catalogs stacked along beside the, uh, receptacle. You took care of business, held your breath for as long as you could, then fled the scene.

You may be wondering what caused me to think about outhouses. I’m sitting here in the Dallas airport on my way to Las Vegas for a conference. Before boarding my plane to Dallas, I ducked into the men’s room beside of gate C5 in the Nashville airport. The bathroom beside C5 is worse than an outhouse in Rogersville on a sunny day in August.

Funny how memories get triggered sometimes…..

you can't say that word.....

fulcrum - the support or point of support on which a lever turns in raising or moving something

I'm not sure what made me think of this, but I have a friend who used to use the word "fulcrum" to substitute for cursing. He'd hit his thumb with a hammer and say "fulcrum". That kind of thing. Somewhere along the way of almost 20 years of marriage, he had convinced his wife that "fulcrum" was an actual curse word.

So one day our two families were together at either our house or their house, and we had to move a piece of furniture. We were having a hard time with it, so I suggested we get a board and use it as a fulcrum. My friend's wife looked at me and said, "I can't believe you just said that!!!!"

My friend was upset with me for educating his wife on the true definition of a fulcrum.....