warning letter.....

To: Toshiba eStudio 350

From: The OFIT

Re: Perfomance Issue

In accordance with Policy A54, this is a letter of warning. This action is based on your inability to consistently function as a normal copy machine.

On previous occassions detailed reviews of expectations regarding your performance (or lack thereof) have been undertaken to ensure that you understand the requirements of your position. They have been discussed with you orally (like when I kick or hit you and simultaneously scream at you whenever you screw up my copies). However, you continue not to meet these expectations.

You are a copy machine - nothing more, nothing less. You are supposed to copy material that office personnel put into your feeder. At first I thought it might just be me, that it was a personal thing. But alas, other office personnel have begun to complain about your inconsistent performance.

Perhaps you're having personal problems. Maybe your belts are too tight, your levers need adjustment, or your toner cartridges require different powder. Or maybe there's trouble at home. If that's the case, we have an excellent Employee Assistance Program. Please refer to the section on the company intranet for contact information.

Your failure to adhere to the requirements of your job on an ongoing basis has a serious impact on the operations of our company, and our ability to meet our goals.

Once again, you are expected to operate properly on a consistent basis. No more paper jams. No more taking 2 sheets at a time. No more illegible copies. Period. Failure to meet these requirements will result in further corrective action, up to and including termination. In addition to this, if you are terminated I plan on hauling your no-good hunk of plastic carcass out onto I-40 and watching with delight as a passing semi crushes you to small, unrecognizable pieces.

Sincerely,

The OFIT

PS - I literally despise you.


cc: Personnel File
HR Director
Employee Relations Specialist