boldly going where no man likes to go.....

Every husband has heard it from his wife. "Oh, since you're stopping by Target, can you pick up....."

Here's the thing, wives - if the next thing out of your mouth is "peanut butter", "furniture polish" or "shampoo", we husbands are cool with that. But when you mention "one of those" products, we're either going to start laughing, freeze up, or possibly do a little (or alot) of both.

I got this kind of call from the bride yesterday. Actually I called her to say that I needed to stop by the library on the way home. So she asked me to stop by Target and pick up something for me that she had meant to pick up earlier that day but couldn't because it was storming at the time. I agreed, and she then said "Oh, and could you pick me up some *****?" Silence. "Uh, what? You're serious, aren't you?" She said, "You're a big boy, you can handle it!"

The first time I saw this topic lampooned was in the movie Mr. Mom. Michael Keaton had an item on his list that he was nervous about buying. When he got to the register, the cashier had to do a price-check for the very item he tried to downplay. Bill Engval also does a similar routine about having to do the same kind of thing, except his 10-year-old son accompanies him to the store.

I pull up and park at Target, check my list again and head toward the front door in the rain. I grab a small basket and decide to get "those things" first. I start searching for "the aisle" and find it soon enough.....only there's a lady with her young daughter already there, so I go down a few aisles, pretend to be looking for something else, and come back about 90 seconds later. She's still there! I'm thinking, "Hey, you shop for this kind of thing all the time, what's the holdup here?" I make another trip down a few aisles and come back....."the aisle" is empty.

So I'm on the aisle, and all I know is the brand, the color of the box, and a descriptive word. I find the brand, I find the box color, but I can't find the descriptive word. I start to panic. I feel a bead of sweat start to form on my brow. Then, for some unknown reason, I start to laugh. But it's a muted laugh, the kind that you try to keep from coming out of you mouth but it makes its way through your nose. I don't know if it's because I've suddenly become a 12-year-old boy or if I'm thinking just how funny I look trying to find these things, but I can't stop laughing. This goes on for about 45 seconds, but it seems more like 2 hours and 1 minute (the actual length of the worst movie ever, The Accidental Tourist). Then finally, I find the word I'm looking for. It's in the lower right-hand corner of the box with white lettering and a subdued mint green background. Very hard to read, particularly for husbands who want to make a fast getaway. I may have to write the manufacturer about fixing this problem.

As I start to leave the aisle, the laughter comes back. This time the laughter is brought on from relief, knowing that I've conquered the beast. Then I realize I've still got two more hurdles to clear. First, I have to walk around with "these things" in my basket, then I'll have to have them scanned by a cashier who will more than likely be a female. The first thing I did was get something else on my list and cover up my first purchase. As I go back to get tea bags, I run into the indecisive lady from "the aisle". I realize she probably didn't even see me there, but I saw her and I'm automatically embarrassed.

As I walk towards the registers, I stopped to look at some DVDs near the front of the store. As I put the movie down and resumed my walk I hear, "Sir, I can get you down here!" Yep, it was a female cashier. So I head to register 10 and proceed to pay for my four items. At first I was determined not to make eye contact. But then I figured she'd have to know that (a) they weren't for me, and (b) I must be a great husband for doing something like this for my wife. I paid for the items and headed for my car. Once in my car, another round of chuckling ensued - first from relief, then from the absurdity of my apprehension.

When I got home, the bride commented on how proud she was of me. I told her the story, and she laid on the bed and laughed.

Later that night, I actually carried the bride's purse from the kitchen to our bedroom. That's TWO major hurdles I cleared in one day. I'd better slow down and pace myself.....