could it be magic.....

Associated Press, WELLINGTON, New Zealand - 3/3/09

It'll be Barry Manilow versus the mall rats. The New Zealand city of Christchurch hopes that putting the American crooner's smooth and gentle tones into the mix of music to be broadcast through the central mall district can pacify unruly teens who congregate there_ or at least convince them to go elsewhere.

"The intention is to change the environment in a positive way ... so nobody feels threatened or intimidated," Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale told The Associated Press. "I did not say Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction."

A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons at the outdoor mall, he said.

The city council, police and local property owners covering 410 businesses agree that "nice, easy listening" music like Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You," "Mandy" and other hits might change the behavior of loitering teens.

But one 16-year-old told The Press newspaper that unfashionable music wouldn't deter them.

"We would just bring a stereo and play it louder," Emma Belcher said.

Lonsdale countered that the city would then hit them with anti-noise laws.

a public service announcement from the ofit.....

Dear Residents of Counties South of Franklin Who Travel I-65 South During Evening Rush Hour,

See the sign on your right? It's called a "speed limit sign". Say it with me - "speed limit sign". It has a big "seven" and a big "zero". When these two numbers are bunched up close together, as they are on this sign, they make up the number "seventy". Say that with me - "seventy". Perhaps you were confusing the number "seventy" with, oh I don't know, the numbers "fifty five" or "sixty". When you confuse numbers on the interstate, especially in the afternoons when individuals are anxious to get home and spend time with their loved ones, you cause traffic to move slowly and you create something called a "bottleneck". We try to avoid bottlenecks on the interstate. If you choose to drive 55 in an area marked 70, please refrain from using any lane other than the extreme right hand lane.

If you have any questions, please ask one of the many drivers who are shaking their fists in your general direction.....

snow and back to high school.....

Apparently Winter had one more blast for us this weekend. We ended up with a couple of inches in Franklin; Meg said they got about 4-5 inches in Murfreesboro. Parts of Tennessee got over 10 inches of snow. Now they're forecasting temperatures in the 70's for this weekend. I'm ready for Spring.

The bride and I are headed back to Centennial High School tonight for a parents meeting. Sara registers for her freshman year this week. Somehow this doesn't seem right, Sara being in high school. I guess I've got about 5 months to get my brain wrapped around that one.

Both girls will have been Cougars, just like their dear old dad. Not the same school, but the same mascot. Seems like the bride's high school mascot was a silver spoon or something like that.....

bryant is no more.....

Ever been around somebody who was loud and obnoxious? Someone who showed up every day, did their job, but you never knew if they'd be there the next day? Someone who gave you a number of reasons to dismiss them from your life, but instead you let them hang around until they ended the relationship themselves? We had one of those situations happen to us as home recently.

Bryant was our downstairs heating and cooling system. No, we don't name appliances at our house. Bryant was the name brand. It was a construction-grade system that came with the house. About a month ago, the system sounded like a cross between a train and and airplane. It stopped doing vehicular impersonations and went to wildlife sounds. The bride said it sounded like an angry screech owl.

We had a company come out to tell us what was wrong with Bryant, like we didn't already know. We knew it was dying, we just didn't want to replace it. Not because we'd become attached to it, but because companies actually charge for new heating and cooling systems. (I know, strange, huh?) The technician told us how much it would be to fix the unit. Then he informed us that because a couple of holes in one of the components could cause carbon monoxide to blow into our house, he had to legally shut the system off. Come to think of it, I had been sleeping rather soundly over the past few days.

Bryant ceased to exist around 3:00 PM on Tuesday. The new unit was installed on Wednesday. It's quiet, it's efficient, and it isn't the size of a 1947 Buick.....

one more place you should never try to rob.....

KGW-TV (Portland) - 12/30/08

A masked man escaped in December after trying unsuccessfully to rob the Washman carwash in Portland, Ore. In the middle of the job, the man's gun literally broke apart and fell to the ground. As he continued to demand money, it became clear why robbing a carwash is tricky. The employee grabbed the nearest tool, which was the wand of a pressure washer (2,000 pounds per square inch) and hosed the robber, sending him fleeing.

how our family saves over $2,500 a month.....

Times are tough. Everyone's looking for ways to cut back. Back in November, I sat the family down for a little talk. I used words like "cautious", "careful" and "wait before you buy". I got blank stares. Then I mentioned the magic phrase "we probably won't be doing a beach trip next summer"; that got their attention. They knew that if we weren't going to the beach, I was more than likely serious about this thing we were discussing.

I received our wireless bill via email yesterday. The three lovely ladies at our house accounted for 12,651 text messages over a 30-day period. Yes, that's an average of almost 422 texts a day. I don't think I even use 422 words in a month. For those of you wondering, one person accounted for 9,108 of those text messages. Take a guess who it was. She's not in college and she's not a teacher's assistant. She's obviously the one with the most friends.

The bride, in her infinite wisdom, bought the unlimited text plan for their 3 phones for $20 a month. (Actually, we had to resort to the plan when Meg's texts ended up doubling our wireless bill one month. Bygones.) If we had been charged for each individual text message, Verizon Wireless would have proudly charged us $2,530 for texts last month. Plus another $13 for 52 picture messages.

Yes, my girls are saving me money and they didn't even know it. Now if I could just figure out how to pocket that savings.....

i got nothing.....

Trying to be creative, but it's just not happening. Things that have happened in and around the home and family have been pretty normal. Writing anything that I thought was really funny might have me sleeping on the couch, so I've refrained from telling things like that.....

change i can believe in.....

Detroit News/AP - 12/19/08

In December, the city council in Brighton, Mich., passed an ordinance making it illegal for anyone to be "annoying" in public, "by word of mouth, sign or motions." Violators can be ticketed and fined.

one great picture.....

Chris sent me a great picture of the inauguration yesterday. Once you view it, be sure to zoom in and out with the controls at the top/left of the page. Great clarity in this shot. I can't imagine the cost of the lens that took this picture.

Things to look for:

To the left of the picture, behind Obama, look at all of the former presidents and their family members.

Also behind Obama, and to the right of the section the presidents are in, see if you can spot Clarence Thomas sleeping.

Click here for the picture.....

ok, that's better now.....

I don't know if the bride was happier that Danny Gokey won the third spot on American Idol last night, or if she was happier that Tatiana had been eliminated.  (She's harsh like that sometimes.)  But I would have given ANYTHING if Tatiana had grabbed a microphone and started singing her song over Danny's, or if she had just tackled him while he was singing.  Would that not have been one of the biggest Idol moments ever?

I'm not sure I care for the new format this year, but at least the first three to make it through were decent.  Well, two of the three, Danny and Alexis, were actually the best on Tuesday.

Now that Tatiana is gone, one wonders who will provide the drama queen moments.....

from boring to just plain weird.....

Daily Telegraph - 1/22/09

London's Gymbox in Bank athletic club, recognizing that lifting weights can be a boring way to exercise, introduced "human barbells" recently, hiring five men of various sizes (including two dwarfs) that customers could use for weights instead of the iron. One advantage of the humans is that, on request, they shout encouragement to the customer with each lift. The largest of the five is a 37-year-old, 340-pound man.

blackberry beware.....

This may be the coolest phone ever. Ever! Click here to see the new Pomegranate. And be sure to explore all the phone's features. You'll be amazed.....

a few milestones.....

Thursday was a good day. I stepped on the scales and I'm down 10 pounds in 6 weeks. I got dressed and realized I'd gone down a notch on my belt. Then I eclipsed the 2-mile mark on my run last night. (One of my employees told me about the site mapmyrun.com. You can map out your run or walk and it will tell you how long your route it.)

The bride and I are going out to dinner tonight for Valentines Day. I may eat something other than a salad.....

what a thoughtful guy.....

Hartford Courant - 1/13/09

Police in New Britain, Conn., arrested Joel Rubin, 42, in January and charged him with using a stolen credit card, but unanswered was why Rubin also tried to use his own store discount card to get a lower price on the merchandise. It was Rubin's name on the discount card that tipped off police, and it was not immediately clear why Rubin wanted to save a few bucks off a bill that would be sent to someone else.

some time on the natchez trace.....

The weather was gorgeous here in Middle Tennessee on Saturday. The bride and the girls were going to Ellen's baby shower that afternoon. After doing some household chores and washing all three cars, I set off for a trip down the Natchez Trace to Jackson Falls. Just me, my camera and my tripod. Here are some of the shots I came away with:

i'm making an omelette, and i don't care who gets hurt.....

Tampa Tribune - 12/15/08

In Plant City, Fla., in December, Robert Thompson and Taurus Morris were charged with armed burglary after taking a woman's eggbeater from her at knifepoint. It was not reported why they wanted the eggbeater or why the victim had to be threatened at knifepoint to get it.

hard to watch.....

Sara had to have a mole removed from her cheek on Friday. It was a very routine procedure. The nurse told the bride and me that there was plenty of room for us in the room where the procedure was to take place. I figured we'd go back, let her get settled, then go back out to the waiting room. Nosireebob. We were there for the whole thing.

Don't misunderstand me, I was glad to be there for Sara. I just didn't plan on watching it happen. But I reasoned that since I was in the room when she was born, I could be in the room for a simple mole removal.

I watched the doctor as she drew around the area with some type of felt marker. I saw her "paint it brown" with some sort of antiseptic solution. I even watched as she numbed it with a needle. There was a point, however that I had to turn away. It was when I saw blood. I wasn't faint or sick at my stomach, I just couldn't bear the sight of my child bleeding.

On the outside, I've always said that it's good for kids to have the occasional bumps and bruises because it makes them tough. No, I don't want my girls to be rough and tumble girls, but I want them to be able to handle the everyday things in life without panicking. However, whenever either of my girls hurt, whether it's emotional or physical, I hurt. I may not show it, but inside it's killing me to see them in pain of any kind.

I came back to the office and ate at my desk. As I finished up my salad, I had an epiphany: How hard was it for God the Father to watch His Son bleed and die an unbelievably cruel death? Toward the end of Matthew 27, Jesus asks His Father why He has forsaken Him. I've heard pastors and people much smarter than me say it was because at that moment Christ took on the sins of the whole world, and God can't be in the presence of sin. He had to momentarily look way. Part of me believes that it hurt God so much to see His Son in pain that he had to look the other way.

Times like that make me appreciate God's love even more.....

them's gonna' be some shiny shoes.....

Remember when you were a teenager and adults would say stupid things? It wasn't that the adults were stupid, they just sometimes got their words tangled and what came out of their mouths sounded really stupid. I am now a stupid adult.

Softball season starts in about a week. Sara needed new cleats because her foot has grown a full size since last fall. We went to three different places, coupons in hand, looking for the cleats.

Have you heard that Under Armour now makes footwear? I started seeing them last year, and now they're making all kinds of shoes. They appear to be well made and very popular. But I have a problem saying "Under Armour". While Sara was trying on a pair of Nikes I said something like, "So do those feel better than the ArmorAlls?" She looked at me and said, "Uh, Dad, what did you just call them?"

I went home and watched my Matlock DVDs until I fell asleep.....

these kids should really watch "a christmas story".....

New York Times-AP - 1/15/09; Omaha World-Herald - 1/16/09

An exceptionally cold winter brings more instances of the annual tragedy of young boys (rarely, girls) who could not resist the age-old physics experiment to see what would happen if, in sub-zero temperatures, they tried to lick a metal pole. In fact, it happened on successive days: a 10-year-old in Hammond, Ind., on Jan. 14 and a 6-year-old in Omaha, Neb., on the 15th. Both episodes ended badly with traces of the boys' tongues left on the poles.

the first meeting.....

I went to my first meeting at the Brentwood Camera Club last night. I told a friend that if I walked in and saw a bunch of guys with runny noses wearing Star Trek shirts and showing pictures of their cats dressed up in halloween costumes, I was turning and leaving. But it wasn't like that at all.

I expected that we'd meet in a classroom and there would be around 40-50 in attendance. We met in the church auditorium, and there were probably 150 people there. The meeting lasted a little over 2 hours. Photographer Jack Spencer did a 45 minute presentation on his work. He was fascinating.

Next month's meeting is Tuesday, March 3 at the Otter Creek Church in Brentwood. If you're the least bit interested, come on out.....

the complete opposite of fun.....

Still fighting this sinus/crud thing. Now I get to sit through a couple of 1/2 day meetings dealing with legislative and regulatory things. They need to do a better job of planning these things around my illnesses.....

can't file this under workman's comp.....

Kansas City Start - 11/24/08

A 49-year-old Leavenworth, Kan., man was hospitalized in November after (according to police) using a front-end loader to pluck an ATM from the Frontier Credit Union. He was hurt when he drove to the edge of a 50-foot embankment and tried to drop the ATM, imagining that the fall would break it open, but instead, he, the loader, and the ATM all crashed to the bottom.

pinky returns.....

Raising kids can be hard. There are moments when the demands on your time seem to be so much greater than your actual available time, especially when they're small. You go from carrying a baby around everywhere to chasing a toddler through the house, hoping they don't fall and hurt themselves. Then school comes with its parent-teacher meetings, PTO, plays, etc.

But there comes a time in the life of a father, especially for a father of girls, when demands slow significantly. My theory is that when girls acquire a certain article of clothing that they have to wear on a regular basis, Dad becomes an alien and is no longer useful for anything but money. I've learned that they do come back partially, but Mom is much more their "go-to" from that point forward. I'm not resentful, I'm just saying that's what I've observed.

I used to tell bedtime stories to the girls when they were little. Stupid stories. Stories where their stuffed animals came to life when the girls went to sleep. One of their favorite story-times was when Pinky the elephant came to visit. We're not really sure where Pinky came from, he just showed up. No one ever remembers buying Pinky, winning Pinky, or stealing Pinky from someone else. One day he wasn't there, the next day he was.

Monday night was bunco night for the bride. Sara and I said goodbye to her as she left, knowing she'd be a different person when she got home: in a really good mood if she won, or in a really bad mood if she lost. (I pretend to have fallen asleep when she gets home so she won't beat me in case she loses. It works most of the time.) Sara finished her homework and we played Mario Kart. She got ready for bed and I went to tuck her in. We talked a little about school and other things. I asked her what else she wanted to talk about, and she reached under her bed and pulled out Pinky. And for the first time in a good while, Sara got a Pinky story.

Although there was an almost-14-year-old beside me, I looked over and saw the 3-year-old Sara with the curls and the sneaky smile on her face. Good times.....

so we've got that to look forward to.....

Washington Post - 12/22/08

Among the best-selling and most controversial toys of this past holiday season were the $39.95 Mattel "Gotta Go" Doll and the $59.95 Hasbro Baby Alive, both because of their interactive features, especially their digestion/excretion functions. The latter doll comes with its own food ("green beans," "bananas") and a warning ("May stain some surfaces"). The Gotta Go includes a toilet and brings the flushing process to life for the child. An industry insider told the Washington Post that next season's toys would be even more realistic.

what'chu gonna' do.....

I've got an eclectic mix of songs on the bride's iPod Shuffle. My iPod Mini is a hand-me-down from Meg and is too big to take when I run, mainly because I'm too cheap to buy an arm band for it. So I've taken the Shuffle and loaded songs from the Marshall Tucker Band as well as U2; the Eurythmics and Carrie Underwood; Taylor Hicks and Grand Funk Railroad. But every now and then I'll hear a song that I don't remember uploading. Such was the case Sunday.

I'm about half way through my run when I hear trumpets, followed by a dance beat, then the words,

"What'chu gonna' do with all that junk,

all that junk inside your trunk?

I'm gonna' g-g-g-get'chu....."

Yep, somehow Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" had made its way onto the ol' Shuffle. I hit the "next" button after finding out what exactly what it was that Fergie was going to do with all that junk inside her trunk.....

always check your child's homework.....

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

mario could make me fat.....

I got the bride and the girls a Wii Fit for Christmas. I've used it almost as much as they have. Some of the yoga (stretchy lycra pants not included) and strength exercises seem to be working for me. And I'm the king of the ski jump.

We'd been hearing about how much fun Mario Kart is on the Wii. I found a great price on it earlier this week and ordered it. It came yesterday and we played it last night. It's addictive. And it doesn't require that you balance on one foot, or do anything that sounds degrading like downward facing dog. You just sit and steer. Good exercise for your wrists, maybe, but that's about it.

Oh, in my first attempt at Mario Kart last night, I beat Sara. Just had to get that in.....

bad multi-tasker.....

Canadian Press - 11/21/08 Louise Light, 21, was not hurt when she crashed into guideposts in Woodstock, Ontario, in November, but she did get milk all over her because she was eating cereal from a bowl while driving.

finally, a race with incentive.....

I've started running again. Nothing major, just a mile for now. I'm adding a little to it every time I go out.

I've always wondered about doing a 5k run. One of my employees is trying to convince me to run a half-marathon. I laughed in her face. She persisted. I may have to fire her.

But here's a run I can get excited about - the Krispy Kreme Challenge. It's a total of 4 miles. You run 2 miles, eat a dozen Krispy Kremes, then run the other 2 miles. All in less than an hour.

Is there throwing up involved, you ask? Here's a quote from their web site:

Okay, we can’t technically stop you from throwing up, and quite frankly, that’s just part of the race, but don’t MAKE yourself throw up. The real challenge is to keep all 12 down, so don’t cheat yourself.

Wonder if I can be up to the challenge by February 7.....

our opinions matter.....

Our pastor mentioned something this past Sunday that blew me away. He said he saw an online poll that asked the question "Do you hope Barack Obama is successful as President?" 59% said yes, 41 % said no.

I didn't vote for Obama. Maybe that's not a cool thing to admit. I wasn't thrilled about either candidate to be quite honest with you. But the fact is that later on today, Barack Obama will become the 44th President of the United States. And whether or not I agree with his politics or his policies, I need him to be successful. This whole country needs him to be successful.

I'm hoping and praying that four years from now we'll all be able to say that Obama was successful.....

blart rulz.....

The bride and I were childless for part of the weekend, so we were able to date a bit on Friday night and Saturday. We saw "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" Saturday. I'm telling you, if Kevin James doesn't win an Oscar for his performance.....it won't surprise me a bit.

"Paul Blart" is a typical Adam Sandler movie. Very formulaic, very prescribed. Alot of the same cast as every other Sandler movie. It had some funny moments, but most of them were in the previews you see on television. I think Kevin James is hilarious, but he's not a leading man. The bad guy in the movie was played by the weird kid in "Wedding Crashers". Yeah, that could have been cast a little better.

So the movie was OK, but the time spent with the bride made up for that. We had a great time together. Maybe our next date movie will be better.....

cold blast advice from the ofit.....

In case you haven't heard, it's cold out there, folks. Here's some sage advice in two translations:

King James Version
That which thou doest not want frozen off, thou hadst better swaddle.....

or

The Message
Cover it or lose it.....

hard to believe there's no pay for this job.....

Atlanta Journal-Constitution - 11/12/08

Recently, the Georgia Department of Natural Resources has been seeking 75 volunteers to be trained in listening to frogs so that the state can complete its annual frog survey. Georgia has 31 frog species, each with distinctive ribbits and croaks, and surveyors, after practicing detection, will monitor frog habitats to help officials measure population trends. Tracking season begins this week.

looking for light.....

I was 10 years old when I first got glasses. My teacher noticed that I was having trouble seeing the chalk board, even after she moved me to the front of the class.

I didn't want glasses. I hated the thought. Only nerds wore glasses. But I had to get glasses.

Mom took me to Johnson City Eye Hospital and I had my eyes examined. I think I cried when the doctor confirmed that I needed glasses. (Shut up! I was 10!) I got some silver, metal frames. I actually needed some type of industrial strength frames, because they were in good shape for about 3 hours. When I got home that afternoon I tried to walk through the sliding screen door onto the patio and both bridges bent out at 45 degree angles. All of my glasses stayed bent because of sports-related occurances until I got contacts my senior year of high school. (Before getting contacts, I had glasses with plastic frames. Looking back on them, they made me look like what Elton John would look like if he was heterosexual.)

I've got an eye doctor appointment this afternoon, and I need to get both contacts and glasses this time. My current glasses have never been right. (That's what I get for going to a different doctor last time.) I'm looking for some very lightweight frames. I'm 44 now and I don't tend to walk through screen doors as much these days.....

it takes all kinds, i guess.....

Walking down a hallway in any business, you're sure to encounter all kinds of people. But what kind of reaction do you get? As a public service to my readers, I've compiled a list of creatures you might run into from time to time and how to handle them:

The Hugger - There's nothing wrong with these people. They just love everybody. Hug 'em right back. If you want them to stop, give them a pat on the bottom and wink as they break their embrace.

The Watchman/Berryman - He's the guy who is too busy. There aren't enough hours in the day. Just as you make eye contact, he's looking at his watch or Blackberry. Stop this person and ask him loudly if his wife's out of rehab yet.

The Big Mouth - This is the person who sees you from 1/4 mile down the hall and yells your name. This is fine on a college campus, but not in the corporate environment. Duck down the nearest stairwell and find an alternate route to your destination.

The Head-Turner - This person is too good to talk to you. Or anyone other than a superior to whom they want to suck up. They make eye contact and immediately look the other way. Stare them down until they feel uncomfortable, then ask if they put on a little weight over the holidays.

The Long-Talker - This is the person you want to avoid at all costs. You know, the one who thinks you mean it when you ask how they're doing? Just tell them how great they look as you pass them by, then take out your phone or Blackberry and stare it down like there's no tomorrow.

13-4.....

I swore I wasn't going to get upset over Saturday's game. I promised myself I wouldn't yell and scream. I vowed I wouldn't throw blankets and whatnot. But I said all of this when I thought the Titans would win. And they would have won if they knew how to hold onto the football.

Yes, the Ravens got a free play when the play clock went to zero. Yes, they could have called a few personal fouls on the Ravens. But you can't turn the ball over three times and expect to win a playoff game. And it's obvious that the Titan's MVP is Chris Johnson. Without him, they're nowhere near as good an offense.

I told the bride that this was the most disappointed I think I've ever been in a football team.....

the one about constipation.....

Yesterday one of my employees had this very serious look on her face as she was on hold with one of our vendors. I went by and asked if she was constipated. The serious look left her face, and it was replaced with a look of disbelief. She got over it.

It made me think about a friend of mine from high school, Danny Brown. Danny passed away a few years ago, but he gave us all alot of good memories.

Every morning we had a group that sat at the same table in the commons area. We'd usually sit around and eat and talk. Chris and I had this thing where we'd always ask Danny if he was constipated. I don't know why. I could say it was because we were both 17 or 18 and it just seemed funny at the time, but to be honest with you it's still funny to me 27 years later (as proven in the first paragraph). One morning Chris and I were sitting at the table. We looked at each other, didn't say anything, then both looked at Danny, still not saying anything. Danny yelled, "I AIN'T CONSTIPATED!!!!!" No one could figure out why Danny would make such a declaration in front of about 400 people, but Chris and I enjoyed it.

When I emailed Chris to rekindle this warm memory, he reminded me about Danny and me both trying out for basketball our sophomore year in high school. Neither of us made the team. But I was fortunate enough to have made it through the tryouts without receiving the comment Coach Maddox made to Danny. One day during tryouts, we were scrimmaging. Danny was on defense and Coach Maddox yelled, "Brown, you couldn't guard a Christmas tree!"

Danny and I did end up making the lunch league team that year. We played enough to letter in the sport, but they didn't offer letters for non-sanctioned leagues.....

no, that's not mine, i don't know how it got there.....

Portsmouth Herald - 11/28/08

Jeremy Aron, 33, was arrested for DUI on Thanksgiving night in Portsmouth, N.H., when an off-duty police officer spotted him driving down Lafayette Road with a fire hydrant stuck to his bumper.

Ever wonder why grunge music originated from Seattle? I don't know that I've ever thought about it until yesterday.

I'm sick of rain. It's put me in a bad mood. A really bad mood. I went running in a downpour last night when I got in from work. On the second half of the run, I wondered to myself if this is what it would feel like to live in Seattle. Then it hit me - no wonder grunge music began in the Seattle area.

If I had to live in the rain most of my life and I was a song writer, I'd be permanantly ticked off and write depressing, angst-filled music, too.....

yeah, that's not covered.....

Houston Chronicle - 12/17/08

In November, the Great American Insurance Co. (Cincinnati, Ohio) sought a declaration in federal court in Houston that it was not liable to pay death benefits from a 2007 office fire because the three victims did not die from "fire." The company pointed to an exclusion in the policy for death by pollution" (thought by most people to cover only toxic industrial discharges) and argued that the three victims were actually asphyxiated by smoke, which is "air pollution."

jackie gleason may be my hero.....

Jackie Gleason was a bit of a yo-yo dieter. When he bought clothes, he had his tailor make them in three different sizes, hung them in three separate closets, and labeled them fat, fatter, and fattest. I'm one step closer to doing this. While I was off during Christmas, I had to buy a pair of fat-boy casual khakis to get me through the next couple of months until I get some of this blubber off of me.

My dress pants now scream at me when I put them on. They hurl insults at me like Don Rickles.

I ate what I wanted to eat over the weekend. Goodbye pancakes. So long ice cream. Farewell chips and dip. Hello fruit. Hey, good to see you, feet!

Time to start running and starving again.....

can't make a profit like this.....

MSNBC-KHQ-TV (Spokane), 11/10/08

Muoi Van Nguyen, 31, was arrested in Spokane Valley, Wash., in November, charged with breaking a window with a hammer at a state liquor store and grabbing a bottle of wine valued at $9. Earlier, Van Nguyen had tried unsuccessfully to break the window with a rock, but decided he needed a hammer to do the job and went to a nearby store, where he purchased one for $11.

happy new year.....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.

Edith Lovejoy Pierce

that's just how we roll.....

Yeah, big plans for tonight. Here's an itinerary for our fun-filled New Year's Eve:

5:00 - Decide on which fine restaurant we'll eat at tonight: Ci Ci's or Pancho's

6:30 - Come home and watch a movie

6:55, 7:20, 7:45, 8:05 and 8:20 - Pause movie for pee breaks

8:45 - Talk about how long it takes us to watch a movie because of all the pee breaks

9:00 - Discuss how tired we are, how we used to go out to eat and go to see a movie on New Year's Eve, and how we don't know if we'll make it until midnight

9:15 - Watch the bride slowly fall asleep on the couch while she claims she isn't falling asleep

9:30 - Pull the blanket up on the bride, there's no need fighting it any more

9:45 - Create a spreadsheet in Excel to calculate how long it will take for me to lose the lard in my hind-quarters and gut in 2009

10:00 - Eat some junk food and add another week onto my weight loss calendar

10:50 - Gently nudge the bride to let her know that the east coast celebration is about to happen. Use ice if necessary.

11:00 - Watch that motorcycle guy try to land on that thing at the Paris in Las Vegas.

11:30 - Still waiting for the motorcycle guy to jump

11:45 - Just jump already

11:55 - Wake the bride up again to watch the delayed broadcast from New York City

12:00 - Pretend the bride's awake and give her a kiss that makes her look forward to 2009. Watch her fall back asleep as soon as my lips leave her lips.

12:15 - Wake up the bride and tell her it's time to go to bed

January 1, 2009

7:00 - Lay in bed staring at the ceiling because I can't sleep past 7:00 any more, even if I was up late the night before.....

an ofit by any other name.....

Most people have some sort of nickname, whether they know it or not. Years ago my nickname on a church softball team was Mo. Now I've got a new one.

My sister taught her 16-month-old that my name is thpt. Yep, thpt. Having a hard time pronouncing that name? Just stick your tongue out between your lips and blow. There.

I feel so honored.....

the bride's gag gift this year.....

I got the bride a gag gift this year. And it worked. It made her gag.

See for yourself.....

Merry Christmas from the OFIT.....

now i'm a believer.....

OK, I'll admit it. I was among the crowd of folks who said the Titans would lose to the Steelers yesterday. But they proved me wrong and I'm glad of it.

The defense put the game of their shoulders and took care of business. Smash and Dash both had touchdown runs, with Johnson's on a critical 4th-and-inches situation. Collins made the throws he needed to make.

After last week's Houston loss, I told the bride that the Titans may not win another game this year. That team couldn't go to the Super Bowl. Yesterday's Titans, however, might just win it all.....

henpeck friday.....

The bride and I had lunch at Henpeck Market Friday. Henpeck is a great little place that's part country store/part restaurant/part gift shop. The food is out-of-this-world good. I would highly recommend the bacon bleu cheese burger. The meat & 3's are also very good.

If you live in the Nashville area, it's well worth the drive.....

even ducks are moving from middle tennessee.....

Remember the extreme drought conditions in Middle Tennessee? Fuhgeddaboudit. Seems that we've gotten rain every day for the past week. Earthworms are drowning.

They're doing construction work at the bride's school, and all of the teachers have to park in a small field next to the school. Her van looks like she's been 4-wheeling. Mud on the doors and windows. We've had it washed twice in the past week. Doesn't do too much good.

I'm ready for these few days of dry weather heading our way, even it it does mean a few nights in the teens.....

close call.....

You're at work. You bend over to pick up a box. You hear a rip. You reach back to assess the damage with your hand. You feel fabric, not flesh. You feel relief. You sigh.

You realize your wife was right - it's time to throw out these old boxers.....

list of stuff i need to do.....

So this is my last day of work until the 29th. I started to write something about an article entitled "see a woman try to pull a bus with her hair", but I thought better of it.

Here's some things I plan on doing over the next 12 days:

* Eat whatever I want. I think it's very important that I join everyone else in America as they commit to lose weight and eat more healthy food beginning January 2. But I've got to overeat in order to truly understand what eating sensibly means. You know, sort of like you can't know good unless you know bad?

* Love on my girls. Meg's home, Susie and Sara will be out of school Friday morning, so we'll all be home together.

* Eat some more. I feel that pancakes are in order. And bacon.

* Sleep. I used to hate naps. But now I know how important they are for ones well-being.

* Finish Christmas shopping. This drives the bride crazy when she thinks I'm finished shopping but then go out and buy something else. So there's that bonus. Or maybe I'm actually finished but I'm just saying I need to finish. Either way, I win. And after all, isn't winning what the holidays are all about?

* Read. I used to hate reading, too. But I've got a few books at home I'd like to read.

* Recharge the ol' blogging creativity batteries. I've been scrambling for topics lately, so I need to step away from blogging for a few days. I'll post some over the next couple of weeks, but not every day.

Merry Christmas.....

looking for a cliff.....

We moved Meg out of her apartment Saturday morning. First semester is over, and she's glad of it.

The bride said that after we had some lunch, she wanted to stop by the mall in Murfreesboro to pick something up. No problem, I thought. We'll go there and we'll come back home. Oh, how stupid I was to believe that.

I've always considered myself unusual for a member of the male species in that I like shopping. I've learned over time, however, that my definition of shopping is different from a female's definition. I like to shop this way: go to the store, find what I'm looking for, maybe look somewhere else to make sure I'm getting the best price, buy the item, come back home. Simple. But the bride and other females shop this way: go to the store/mall/shopping center, think about buying something, debate on it some more, consider how cute this would look with that, drive to another store/mall/shopping center, ponder on several other items, drive to another store/mall/shopping center, come back home and browse the Internet for more things, then think about ordering online.

We went to Stones River Mall and did some shopping. Well, they did shopping while I sat in a chair near men old enough to be my great-grandfather. They finished there and declared that we needed to go to Target. It's just across the street. But it took 15 minutes to get there. After Target and a couple of other stores, we went to The Avenues. I will jump off a cliff before I go to The Avenues again on a Saturday during the Christmas shopping season. I promise. What could be so compelling that you would want to inch your way through the parking lot, find a space, only to spend your time in stores that have such narrow aisles that you can't walk without getting stabbed by a clothes rack?

We had to go back to the mall to pick up the bride's van since we'd all been in Meg's car. Once we got back in the van, we started to head home. It took almost 40 minutes to get to the interstate, which was only about 2 miles away. I breathed a sigh of immense relief when we got on I-24.

I spent the evening swearing I'd never shop anywhere but on the Internet from now on.....

happy girls at my house.....

Picture if you will, a part-time teacher's assistant, lying in bed, reading the latest People magazine. It's about 9:45 PM. The phone rings. A smile appears on her face. Her husband asks, "Who is it?" She shushes him. Soon after, she says "YES!" She turns to her husband and says, "No school tomorrow!"

I've got some happy girls at my house this morning. Sara probably doesn't know school's out yet because she's still asleep. But she'll be happy when she wakes up.....

here, take it, it's not mine.....

Remember the picture frame I "bought" but never paid for? I took it back on Saturday. It caused a problem.

I went to the customer service desk and told the lady what had happened. She gave me a blank stare followed by, "OK, can you say that again?" She called an associate over. I repeated the story. She called her supervisor. The supervisor then called Security to find out what she needed to do. Security said she needed to treat it as a return without the receipt. The supervisor said that if she did that, the transaction refund would be for the original price of $100. I jumped in and reminded them that I wasn't asking for a refund; all I wanted to do was return something I didn't pay for. The supervisor asked if I had any other shopping to do and I told her I did. She said to go ahead with the shopping and then come back.

I came back to the service desk about 15 minutes later. They took my address and drivers license number, then thanked me for returning the frame.

It took 4 people to take back a digital picture frame that I never got charged for. 4 people and lots of confusion. I wasn't aware of it until now, but it appears that Target is run by some sort of government entity.....

um, ok then.....

New York Post - 10/8/08

A woman being interviewed for jury duty on a murder case in Bronx (N.Y.) Supreme Court in October asked to be excused for the reason that she was once murdered, herself, by her husband (but had somehow been revived by a doctor). (She was dismissed from the jury, but on other grounds.)

they must need new members really bad.....

I've been through DeFuniak Springs, Florida on my way to Seaside. Never stopped there for anything other than a red light. But I got this in the mail yesterday:

They must really need charitable donations in DeFuniak Springs and Walton County.....

thought for the day.....

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

home remedies that actually work.....

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Thanks to Chris for today's post.....

things that zap my Christmas spirit.....

With the cold weather here, I’m starting to get more into the Christmas season. Both trees are up as well as the outside lights. I listen to Christmas music all day courtesy of 92.9 in Nashville. But there are things that tend to get me out of the Christmas spirit really fast. Here are a few:

Any Christmas song by Celine Dion or Michael Bolton – Sorry if you’re a fan of either singer, but they both get on my nerves for different reasons. With Celine, it’s because I can’t stand to watch her perform. Any time I hear her voice, I picture her singing and I can’t turn the radio off fast enough. And I’d rather hear strange noises coming from a fat man in an adjacent men’s room stall than to have to listen to Michael Bolton sing anything.

People who brag about how much they’re spending on Christmas gifts – OK, I get it. You love your friends and family more than anyone else. You win.

Drivers that do 55 in a 70 whenever they see a state trooper that’s pulled over another driver – Come on, people. It’s not like you’re going to get extra credit for when you get caught speeding one day. I got stuck behind a lady who did this yesterday. Slowed down traffic like you wouldn't believe. May her stocking be filled with Michael Bolton CDs.

Corporate text messages – Somehow I got put on a list to receive a text messages that encourage me to visit T-Pain’s web site, his myspace page, and to buy his music. Joy.

Emails encouraging me to order special blue pills – I still think the bride put me on this distribution list. She says she didn’t, but she can be pretty sneaky at times……

not sure how to do this.....

Every year we try to come up with a good Christmas present for my grandmother. At 87, there’s not much that she wants or even needs. She lives alone but stays on the go with various trips during the week to the grocery store, church, the post office and Wal Mart.

We decided to buy her a digital picture frame. She doesn’t have a computer so we can’t send her the latest family pictures via email. We figured we’d get the frame and a couple of memory cards. Whenever we took new shots, we thought we’d load them onto a card and mail it to my parents. That way they could put the new card in for Mamaw and mail the old one back to us. Perfect gift.

So I got it out last night and loaded some pictures. Folks, there’s a reason why there are different prices on these digital frames. The more they cost, the better resolution on the screen. I bought what I thought was a mid-range frame. Some of the pictures made the people on screen look like they were missing teeth or an eye. Some looked like we had leprosy. I could actually draw better. After playing with it for about an hour, I decided to take it back. But there may be a problem with returning it.

I picked the frame up at Target during lunch on Monday. When I got back to the office I looked at the receipt. The cashier didn’t charge me for it. So how do you return something that you never paid for? Will they accuse me of shoplifting? Will they look at me like I’ve got three eyes when I tell them I never paid for the item I’m returning?

If you see my cell number show up on your phone, I could be calling for bail money…..

why beach vacations make more sense.....

Daily Mail (London) - 9/13/08

In the village of Pumaorcco, Peru, in September, a bus containing 14 British sightseers on holiday was held hostage for five hours by 50 natives wielding pickaxes and metal bars, who mistook them for personnel from a mining company that they believed were exploiting their land. The Peruvian guide finally negotiated their freedom but had to call for another bus, since the villagers completely destroyed the original.

back to reality.....

It was great being off work for a week. I got a few things done and I was able to get caught up on some rest.

The food was great all week long. I've now decided it's easier to just buy bigger pants rather than starve myself.

Good to see the Vols win out. The scenes of Fulmer after the game were stirring. Now on to the Kiffin era of football.

I'm dying to post a picture of the bride giving me a look with which I'm very familiar. But I'll use better judgment and just show you one of the girls from the weekend in Johnson City.....