big 10 television programming.....

Another one of those I wish I'd written.....

Given the inglorious start to the season in the Big Ten Conference, The Dash has a few suggestions for altering programming on the league's new television outlet:

6:00-9:00 -- "Big Ten-ACC Challenge, the Football Version." Commissioner Jim Delany uses charts, graphs and video to show that there is one BCS conference faring worse than his.

9:00-9:30 -- "Appreciating the Quality of I-AA Football." Lloyd Carr is host.

9:30-10:00 -- "He Works Hard For the Money." Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz explains why he's worth the $2.8 million he's making per year. (Video highlights of the Hawkeyes' loss to previously winless Iowa State not included. Video highlights of last year's 6-7 team, which began the season ranked No. 16, also not included.)

10:00-Noon -- "Great Moments in Big Ten Marching Band History."

Noon-12:30 -- "That '80s Show." Highlight clips from the Northwestern teams that lost 34 straight from 1979-82 are compared to the current Wildcats' home loss to Duke. Viewers invited to vote for which is worse.

12:30-1:00 -- "Insight in Hindsight." Minnesota athletic director Joel Maturi reviews tape of the Gophers' 42-39 loss to Florida Atlantic, concludes that Glen Mason would have lost by more. "I guarantee you," Maturi says, "we will not blow a 31-point lead in a bowl game this year." Left unsaid: They won't get near a bowl this year.

1:00-6:00 -- "Woody Versus Bo Marathon." Fans invited to vote for their favorite handoff.

6:00-6:30 -- "Style Points Don't Count." Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema explains why trailing UNLV into the final two minutes and being tied at halftime with The Citadel should not result in a rankings demotion for his Badgers.

6:30-7:00 -- "Great Halftime Adjustments." Ohio State's Jim Tressel shows us why it's all about the second half in college football, ignoring fact that his team has been outscored 9-6 by Akron and Washington in the past two first halves.

7:00-Midnight -- All-time Indiana basketball highlights.

Midnight-12:05 -- All-time Indiana football highlights.

12:05-12:30 -- Live look-in at Ron Zook writing letters to recruits, promising immediate playing time and banana splits for breakfast.

12:30-1:00 -- "Undefeated is Undefeated." Penn State's Joe Paterno defends his team's 3-0 record against opponents ranked 113th (Notre Dame), 126th (Buffalo) and 144th (Florida International) in the Sagarin Ratings. Guest star Joe Tiller of Purdue chimes in about the challenges of beating teams ranked 86th (Central Michigan), 121st (Toledo) and 178th (Eastern Illinois).

1:00-6:00 -- Silent Film Festival. Paterno screens his personal favorites.