Unless something changes, I went to the Brentwood library for the last time yesterday. I dropped off my book in the book depository and drove off. You see, Brentwood officials have decided to charge an annual fee of $50 per person to anyone who uses their library but does not live within the city limits of Brentwood. Even though Brentwood is in Williamson County, other county residents are not allowed to freely partake of the library beginning September 1. And even though they do receive county funding (albeit a small percentage of their total budget). Brentwood officials said they asked for an increase in funding, but that the county declined. I'm sorry, but Brentwood asking for more money is like Terrell Owens saying he needs more money because he can't feed his family on $9M a year. I'm sure the Brentwood Library will become the elitist museum/country club they want it to become. After September 1, all of us non-residents will either "pony-up" with the money to be included in their priviledged society, or we'll be forced to go to our own dreary little local libraries.
The Brentwood library is as nice as any Borders or Barnes & Noble. I've used it for the past 15 months mainly because it's on my way to and from work. They have a good selection of books, although they need to have a better way to link what's in their online inventory and what's actually on the shelf. I'll miss going there, but I'm a little ticked off that they're doing this.
But not as ticked off as one guy who wrote a letter to the editor last week. The bride left a copy of it on the dresser for me to read, and she said she had to look twice to make sure I wasn't the author. I couldn't have said it any better myself. Here's an excerpt of the letter:
The recent decision in Brentwood to allow only Brentwood city residents access to their coveted library — excluding other Williamson County residents — has implications for the future of Brentwood and Williamson County. Here are some future headlines and news snippets from a world ruled by Brentwood librarians and the Brentwood City Commission:
- "Brentwood Police Begin 'Pay-Per-View' Program." Upon orders from the Brentwood police commissioner, police will begin charging $25 for any nonresident who asks for directions. He insisted that the fee was necessary, since nonresidents do not contribute toward taxes to compensate officers for valuable "doughnut time." "The city is becoming so crowded," he explained, "we just can't have people roaming the streets looking at our stuff."
- "Brentwood Tollbooths Paying Off." The Brentwood mayor today issued a statement declaring success of the recent tollbooth installations on all Brentwood streets. "Charging nonresidents to drive on our streets is really paying off," he claimed. The mayor went on to say, "Not that we actually needed the money. … I just like having the streets to myself without all those other people around. It's so quiet."
- "Brentwood City Parks Under Control." The new initiative to properly secure all Brentwood city parks and recreation areas is going well, according to the director of parks and recreation. "Since library attendance has been cut in half," he announced, "we have been able to use our librarians to patrol city parks and recreation areas to deport aliens (any person without a certified Brentwood Library card) to Franklin." Becoming slightly emotional, he concluded, "There is nothing more exhilarating than a librarian exerting their authority over nonresidents." The Brentwood children's librarian, tasked with patrolling city playgrounds to ask nonresident children to leave, added: "Literacy and reading is obviously important. Well, as long as it's within the Brentwood city limits."
- "Alabama Man Loses Car in Brentwood Fire." While stopping to refuel at a Brentwood gas station, an explosion of unknown origin ripped through the establishment. The Brentwood Fire Department responded quickly and extinguished the flames — except for the Alabama automobile. The Brentwood fire chief told reporters that "he should not have been in Brentwood anyway and he doesn't pay our salaries," but he was quick to point out that "firemen offered free marshmallows to all Brentwood residents that gathered to watch the car burn."
- "Tornado Siren Blocking Device Installed." "We were shocked," the Brentwood public works technology director exclaimed, "when we found out that the 10 'early warning system' sirens (used to alert Brentwood residents of potential tornado conditions) were loud enough for nonresidents to hear." In response, Brentwood has erected a 250-foot barrier around the city specially designed to block sound waves that attempt to leave Brentwood. "Brentwood taxes paid for those sirens, so only Brentwood residents should hear them," he commented.
Yes, believe it or not, that was the edited version. He had a couple of other examples, but I picked out the best ones.
Brentwood and Franklin libraries have had a book swap relationship over the years. If you're at the Brentwood library and they don't have what you're looking for, you can have the book shipped from Franklin. I wonder if that will still be in effect on September 1? Or would a Brentwood resident accept a book if they knew it came from the lowly Franklin library?
As I was leaving the drive-through at the library yesterday, there was a lady in her mid-50's holding a clipboard, standing on the curb just past the book depository. I still had my window down so she smiled and said, "Excuse me, sir. We're taking a survey, and I wondered if I could ask you a few questions?" I smiled back and said, "I don't think I'm the best person for you to ask questions about my satisfaction with the Brentwood library." Her head tilted to the side, and she had a confused look on her face. "Why's that, dear?" I looked at her and said, "Well, I'm not a Brentwood resident, and for me to be a part of your survey I would probably have to pay you something." I then rolled up my window and headed south on I-65.....*
*OK, that last part was made up, but wouldn't that have been cool?
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